Maine Minutiae : Maine Lobstahs Invaded By Impostahs!

Non-Communist All American Lobster and His Wife

The people of Maine take their lobstahs very seriously. Lobsters to Maine are like the Dallas Cowboys to Texas. These delectable creatures are as much a part of Maine's culture as chowdah, blueberries or  lighthouses.
So, you can imagine the outrage when we discovered that our best-known commodity is being infiltrated by "impostor" lobsters from a communist country, Canada, hell-bent on destroying and brainwashing our Maine lobsters into becoming foreign commie lobsters! Thank God our Governor, John Baldacci, (Dem-I Don't Have a Clue Ville) is on top of this Crustacean Crisis! The Guv has endorsed a program that will immunize Maine lobsters from their Canadian cousins' attempts at this obvious subterfuge. This program is called...wait....for....it...."Don't Buy Impostor Lobsters"! Just how does the Top Elected Official in this fine state propose that we don't buy impostor lobsters from Communist Canada? Passports for lobsters? Lobster Green Cards? (Deport illegal lobsters now! No amnesty for illegal lobsters!). If you said either of options, you were actually pretty damn close to the right answer. Thanks to Governor Baldacci, every lobster caught in Maine waters will be tagged with an ID "bracelet" that says "Certified Maine Lobster"! According to some lady named Kristen, and I implicitly trust any lady named Kristen because my trustworthy pharmacist is named Kristen, says to the Boston Globe, "We hope every lobster caught in Maine waters will soon be wearing these new ID bracelets," the council's executive director, Kristen Millar, told the Boston Globe. "It's truth in advertising. All lobsters are called 'Maine lobsters' and yet they're not all from Maine. It has become this generic term, like Kleenex." That settles that! I'll rest assured that not one single solitary Communist Canadian Lobster will makes its way onto my supper table thanks to the Certified Maine Lobster Program! I can't think of a better way to spend my tax dollars than to make sure that a Canuckistani lobster wearing a tiny Canuckistani lobster suicide vest will ever touch these lips, just like Kristen the lady who is not my trustworthy pharmacist said. As for John Baldacci, endorsing the Certified Maine Lobster program was a brilliant way to ensure his re-election, except he's term-limited out. This program will be Baldacci's legacy. I'm sad to report that thanks to God and the Maine Constitution, he's outta here in January.  On the bright side, however, President Odumbass can now grant amnesty to those vicious Canadian Suicide Lobsters who will now do the jobs that American lobsters won't do. I feel better already.

Texas Tidbits : A Heartwarming Story

Dumbass*

It's a Blue Monday and to time leave behind a great weekend of football for the trudgery of work. I feel for you, so I thought it would be a good time to bring you some news that will undoubtedly brighten your day. Better still, if you get down in the mouth or bored at the job, you can always return to this page, read this story once (or twice) more and, like magic, you will be uplifted all over again! Let's shake off those Monday blues with this item guaranteed to bring a smile to your otherwise I-look-like-I-just-found-out-that-my-wife-threw-away-a-winning-SuperLotto-ticket-worth-$60-million face. Onward and upward we go. :

• Our inspirational tale comes to us from Waco. For those of you who are not familiar with Waco, it is a very conservative town. Waco is home to Baylor University, the oldest university in Texas, and Baylor is a Baptist college, i.e., Waco is a very conservative city. Knowing this is true, to me at least, means that if you ever have to go through the criminal justice system, chances are that the jury of your peers hearing your case would be made up of very conservative (read: law and order types) people. To not realize this fact, you would have to be a dumbass. Leon Willis Wilkerson, 55, is a dumbass of the highest order. I mean this guy was beat with the Dumbass Stick. A lot. Here's why : Leon has been through courts in McClennan County before - to the tune of twelve(!) misdemeanors and eight felonies! But, wait! There's more! Our new friend Leon is a smoker. He was jonesing for a butt so bad, he stole a carton of cigarettes from a local store in Waco and got busted. This time, Leon's journey through the legal system ended quite badly for him. Ol' Leon ran into a jury of nice, conservative Baptists and those 12 people were nice enough to slap Mr. Wilkerson with 99 years in prison! For a carton of smokes! How dare they! Oh, wait. There were those eight other pesky felonies and twelve misdemeanors Leon had racked up. Being the nice, conservative Baptist people that they are, they determined Leon to be a habitual criminal - hence 99 years in the slammer. That's 9.9 years per pack of Newports there, Leon.  I have a sneaky feeling that Leon will be smoking in prison, but it won't be Newports, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Dumbass.

This little anecdote should be your inspiration to have a great Monday. Your boss may suck, you may be extremely tired or you could be suffering from allergies or something, but things could be worse. You could be Leon. And Leon is a dumbass.

*From KDFW-TV, Dallas

It's the Sabbath Edition (Or Toby is a Lazy MoFo)

• It's Sunday! That means it's the Sabbath and "thou shalt keep the Sabbath holy" That's means go to Church and pray the Priest, Preacher, whatever guy, keeps the sermon short so you can make it home to watch the NFL. Amen. Today is the first full weekend of the NFL's 2010 season!  In Texas, that's means the Dallas Cowboys. The Pokes open on the road in Washington, D.C.and will commence to stomp a mud hole in the Redskins. Here in New England, Tom Terrific (I think I threw up in my mouth a little for saying that) and the Boys of Boston play host and will beat the bejeezus out of the Cincinnati Bengals featuring that whirling dervish, Chad Ocho Cinco (which means eight five, not eighty-five, 85 would be ochenta y cinco). As for the third member of our Three States Plus One Triumvirate, Colorado, the Denver Broncos travel southeast to Jacksonville to tackle the Jaguars. On the subject of jaguars, the word is pronounced "jag wahrs, NOT "jag wires". It's chaps my ass when some goofball calls them the "jag wires". For God's sake, get some Hooked on Phonics or some shit and learn to talk! For the remainder of the NFL schedule click here. Have fun, be safe and don't drink and drive (you might hit a bump and spill some).

Here are some of the most popular posts from the last few weeks. After all, you can't get too much of a good thing. Right Right? 

• This post about Buddy Holly was a big hit (pun intended) with readers from all around the world.
• The undisputed most popular Maine Minutiae post was the one about my wife is beating me. 
• I turned a bit philosophical when I wrote about fishing in the Rockies.

 Thanks to all of you again as this tiny blog continues to grow like a weed. According to blog-ranking service Alexa, here's the latest :

• Alexa Traffic Rank: 2,590,028
   
• Traffic Rank in US
   
  : 123,870

A few weeks ago we were at #17,9xx,xxx. As of yesterday, Three States Plus One was ranked 2,590,028 in the world! And in the USA  we ranked 123,870 ! Sure, I'd love those numbers to be much better, but considering what has happened here in less than three months, is nothing short of phenomenal. We are also approaching our 4000th page impression. For comparison's sake, it was only three weeks ago that we hit #2500, and that took two and a half months. God has blessed me with a great group of readers from, literally all over the world. This blog has been read in thirty-eight states in the US and twenty-one foreign countries, our latest being India (must be some AOL phone support people) and Denmark. If such a thing interests you as it does me, click on the "Flag Counter" display about half way down the page on the right. It will give you a few facts and figures about our readership. You guys keep me going and trying to get better at this blogging thing every day. For that, I thank you. God bless you all and Adios, y'all!

Toby

Three States Plus One Special Edition - 9/11, I Will Never Forget and I Will Never Forgive!

WARNING!!!  If you are easily offended by crude language, graphic images or a pissed off Redneck (that would be me), then you might want to consider whether or not you want to read the following post. I'm telling you now that some of what you read WILL NOT BE suitable for the weak of heart or those who are sensitive to vulgar language. CONSIDER YOURSELF WARNED!

Heroes

Where were you when the world stopped turnin' that September day... I was at work and for some inexplicable reason, I was there about two hours early. I had already grabbed the Dallas Morning News and was reading the Sports section. With the TV at the bar tuned in to Fox News Channel, I just happened to look up and read the crawl across the bottom of the screen. The first plane had hit the North tower of the World Trade Center. My first thought was that the pilot of the jet had a heart attack or something. Then the second plane struck the South tower. It was at that point that I knew this was much more serious than someone having a heart attack. This was an attack OK, a cowardly attack on thousands of Americans, innocent people, just doing what they do every day, an attack on my country! The second that the plane blasted into the South tower, I knew it was an act of terrorism. The United States was effectively in a state of war. The worthless bastards that perpetrated this horrendous murder of almost 3000 American citizens had, by their actions, made it so. President George W. Bush made it all but official a short time later when he addressed the people of New York City that this was indeed an act of war. A few weeks later, we let those Islamic assholes in Afghanistan know that the United States of America meant business. That was when our President was a real man, unlike the pussy occupying the White House now. Hundreds of New Yorkers were killed on impact and dozens more decided it would be better to leap to their deaths than to be incinerated in the inferno of the WTC. The rage within me grew more intense with each innocent human being that was forced by the goat fucking Islamist sons of bitches to make a sudden die by fire or die by jumping out a window 1000 above the ground decision. My hatred for those pedophile "prophet" worshippers was boiling inside me like the towers that burned before me eyes. To this day, that feeling of hatred, pure fucking hatred for those cocksuckers simmers just below the surface. I hope God will forgive me some day, but I cannot yet bring myself to forgive those barbarians. These motherfuckers not only viciously murdered 3000 men and women, but they had forever changed the lives of tens of thousands more family members and friends of the dead, so I hope they all burn in hell for eternity. They are beyond redemption and deserve the endless torment of the fiery lake of Hades, so fuck them with the barbed cock of Satan, their true master. If that makes me a bigot, then so be it, I am a bigot. Their so called "holy book", the Koran, commands people (and I use that term loosely) like them to slaughter the Infidel simply because he/she is not a Muslim. The Koran compels them to do this kind of shit, like flying jets into buildings, so the name of Allah will be glorified. Are you fucking kidding me? From newadvent.org (The Catholic Encyclopedia) I found this:"The Koran contains dogma, legends, history, fiction, religion and superstition, social and family laws prayers, threats, liturgy, fanciful descriptions of heaven, hell, the judgment day, resurrection, etc. — a combination of fact and fancy often devoid of force and originality. The most creditable portions are those in which Jewish and Christian influences are clearly discernible." Legends, fiction and superstition, huh? Sounds like an Oliver Stone movie. I don't know about this Allah asshole, but the one true God that I worship tells me that I must treat others as I want to be treated, not to slay innocent human beings for not being a Christian in order to bring glory to God. As for the other billion plus idiots that follow this cult called Islam, if you believe the same absurd shit that the nineteen hijackers of 9/11 did, then I have no use for you either. You are breathing my air, so stay the fuck away from me. I will not discriminate against you, but I want nothing to do with your sorry asses until you repudiate Islam and the violence and bigotry inherent to it. Until then, kiss my ass. Islam is not a religion, it is an ideology. A political ideology.True religions dictate that you show kindness, mercy, compassion and charity to your fellow man, not slice his head off for merely being a non-Muslim. True religions call for forgiveness of our transgressors, not the brutal stoning or hanging of someone who "offends" your twisted view of spirituality and worship of whatever you assholes worship, like that stupid fucking rock in Mecca or whichever God-forsaken third world sewer of a city you call Muslim "civilization". Defending your "religion" is one thing, but the wholesale murder of innocent men, women and children to show the rest of the world that they are "infidels" is beyond repulsive, it is degrading to God and his children. Americans don't cotton to the kind of vile behavior you proclaim in the name of Allah and we will not stand still for that kind of shit! We will slap a missile from a Predator drone up your worthless asses and not think twice about it. You asked for war, then dammit we'll give a fucking war, dickweeds. When we kick the slimy America-hating, steaming pile of camel dung that we call a President out of the White House and get a man or woman that loves this country like the average Citizen does, you'd better have more than Allah to protect your sorry souls, because there will be no place to hide. We will show no mercy in tracking you down like the pigs you are and ask you exactly once if you want to surrender. If your answer is "no", then we will happily and without giving it a second thought to it, dispatch you to the 72 virgins you so naively believe to be waiting for you in "Paradise".  We have sent our sons, fathers, daughters and even mothers to find and kill you bastards. Thousands of them gave their lives so the United States will be free of murderous lunatics like you, and thousands more volunteer every day to pick up where the fallen left off. America is not afraid of you. We stand vigilant, eyes and ears wide open, so we may detect you and will do whatever is needed to stop you before you commit more atrocities against our Citizens. We ain't scared, assholes. You may succeed in your homicidal mission from time to time, but rest assured, the every day American you seek to intimidate, will not cower to you and your deadly intentions. We will, however, happily and with extreme prejudice blow your evil carcass to Kingdom Come when it becomes necessary to the plot. We, as Americans, owe that much to the 3000 innocents you killed at the World Trade Center and to the thousands of our young men and women who perished in the line of duty when sent to defend the United States from deranged motherfuckers like you. In the words of Todd Beamer, a passenger on Flight 93, which crashed in a Pennsylvania, "Let's roll". Simply put, send your soul to Heaven because your asses are ours. AMF - Adios Mother Fuckers, have a nice day. I will never forget nor will I ever forgive!

9/11 Tribute Tomorrow - Never Forget!

Tomorrow is a day, for those of us who were alive on that September morning, that we'll never forget. I am going to put together a post that will take a look in pictures and words at what we, as a country, experienced that day, nine years ago. In it, I'll include some news stories of the day as well as my opinion (that alone will be worth reading the thing) on various things that relate to 9/11 and some links to songs that tell the 9/11 story in a musical way and just some plain old songs that cheer America and Americans. It will probably be a very long post, so please read it when you can actually take the time to absorb it all. I promise it will be worth your time.

God bless the victims of 9/11/01.
Toby

Maine Minutiae : Save Your Marriage! Carry Your Wife!

There are few things in this world that come anywhere near leaving me speechless. What I am about to describe to you damn near did it. Human beings will do almost anything for amusement and/or competition. There are such events as the Calaveras (CA) County Fair and Jumping Frog Jubilee, Watermelon Thump in Luling, Texas, where the biggest attraction is the watermelon seed spitting contest and 35,000 people attend each year, and here's a new one to me that recently took place right here in Maine - The North American Wife Carrying Championships!  I mean, we don't get the Olympics, NASCAR, NFL, Major League Baseball and whatnot, but we do make a sport of wife carrying! Just imagine the fun and companionship to be had by couples from all around the country.

• Wife to husband : "Honey, I have just the thing that could save our marriage." 
• Husband : "And that would be what?"
• Wife : "You could carry me!"
• Husband : "I've been doing that for the last 25 years."
• Wife : "No,dear. I mean you could carry me in the North American Wife Carrying Championships!"
• Husband : "You do love me! Our marriage is saved!"

 The object of this "sport" is to navigate a 278 yard course lined with mud holes and all sorts of fun obstacles like that while carrying your wife on your back! What fun! The people who participate in wife carrying are deadly serious about it, why they've even got specialized ways for a man to carry his better half. From ABCNews.com we learn : "Carrying methods include traditional piggyback, the fireman’s carry or something called the “Estonian carry,” said Paula Wheeler, director of development for the Mahoosuc Arts Council, the event’s sponsor." The "Estonian carry" sounds particularly menacing (or pornographic, I ain't sure which). The best thing about this event, besides the certain hilarity that ensues, is what the winner receives as a prize. I.Am.Not.Making.This.Up. His wife's weight in beer! There is a God! You now understand what people who live in a place like Maine, where there are about 8 months winter, do during those long cold times. They make up stuff like wife carrying! And curling, but that's another story for another day. If every married couple in the United States took part in wife carrying, the divorce rate would plummet. The alcoholism rate among married men would skyrocket (see prize for winners), but those men would be happily married drunks. In my view, it all evens out. :) For those of you who are considering wife carrying as a marriage-enhancing tool, I'll leave you with info on the 2011 World Wife Carrying Championships to be held in Finland. I almost forgot that there is a division in this competition for women who want to carry their husbands! Equal opportunity, you gotta love it. I am curious here, what is the wife's prize if she wins? Her husband's weight in bon bons?

Texas Tidbits : 30 Miles from Water, 2 Miles From Hell

A Big Hole

Having extensively travel around Texas, I can tell you from personal experience what are some of the more scenic vistas in the state. Easily earning a spot in the Top 5 is a place that describes itself as 30 miles from water and 2 miles from Hell - Palo Duro Canyon, near Amarillo. This big hole in the ground is a spectacular sight whether you've seen it once or 100 times. At 120 miles long and twenty miles wide in some places, it would probably take a hundred visits for you to see it all. The second largest canyon in the USA, Palo Duro offers dramatic views from anywhere in the canyon. As Wikipedia notes, the canyon has been inhabited by people for as long as 15,000 years, "The first evidence of human habitation of the canyon dates back approximately 10,000–15,000 years, and it is believed to have been continuously inhabited to the present day. Native Americans were attracted to the water of the Prairie Dog Town Fork Red River, as well as the consequent ample game, edible plants, and protection from weather that the canyon provided." Soon after the Indians that lived in Palo Duro Canyon were removed to reservations in Oklahoma, famed cowboy Charles Goodnight established the JA Ranch in the canyon and for the next fifty years the land was in private hands. However, the area became such an attraction for local residents, that the State of Texas, in 1934, bought 20,000 acres at the north end of the canyon which became Palo Duro Canyon State Park. The park is now nearly 30,000 acres of Nature's Work of Art. The musical production "Texas" ( that's an older link but it's still got some great info there) has been a mainstay at the canyon for almost fifty years and has been seen by hundreds of thousands of folks. Those having seen the show have been giving it rave reviews since its first performance. Just ask my good friend Doreen Bob, she'll tell you all about it. Did I tell you that 'Texas" is performed outdoors on the canyon floor? Incredible. You can drive or hike all through Palo Duro (Spanish for "hard wood" by the way), but I think the best way to explore such a natural wonder as PD is up close and personal. On horseback, perhaps? There's so much more to the history and attraction of Palo Duro Canyon, I could stay here typing for days. In lieu of that, I'll ask you to click on the links in this post, look them over thoroughly and you'll get a ton of fascinating information and photos. To live in such splendor as Palo Duro Canyon, I'd walk 30 miles for water and tolerate being two miles from Hell.