Saturday, September 4, 2010

Maine Minutiae : House For Sale: 3BR, 2BA, 1 Bomb....Whaaaaaaaaaa?

Your House Is Da Bomb!*
The process of buying a new home can be quite stressful in good times, but when the economy sucks like it does today (how's that hope and change workin' out for ya?), things can be downright explosive, literally...almost. There is a nice family in Millinocket, Maine, who like millions of Americans, were looking to fulfill their very own American Dream by purchasing a new house. Fate smiled upon this nice family from Millinocket and they found the house of their dreams and lo and behold, without a government handout(!), Nice Family bought the house. What a happy ending! Not. The home in question had been vacant for several years as the previous owner, the former Police Chief of Millinocket, went on to his reward. So, the big day came and Nice Family was all set to move in to their shiny, new home and upon arrival what did they find in their shiny new home? A shiny new BOMB! .Two questions come to the fore concerning Nice Family's shiny new bomb. The obvious question is 'Why in the hell would a Chief of Police have a shiny new bomb in his home"? My buddy in Texas, Tim Freestone sells shiny new homes for a living, but even Tim, clever prankster and rascal that he is, would never sell Nice Family a home with a bomb in it. Hand grenades, maybe, but bombs, never. Even for Tim, that's a bit of overkill. Question numero two-o: "Who is responsible for putting this guy in as Chief of Police? Maxwell Smart"? People at Millinocket City Hall are running the paper shredder into the ground as we speak so nobody will ever know. The story does, however, have a happy ending. The fuzz police in Millinocket summoned up the Maine State Police Prankster Division Bomb Squad, who took possession of the shiny new bomb and determined that it was a fake, despite the fact that it had several realistic-looking sticks of TNT attached to it. Those Bomb Squad guys have a big set of brass gazebos, don't they? Thanks to the heroic efforts of the authorities, Nice Family has settled into their shiny bomb-less shiny new home, well...nicely. I hear the Fire Chief of Millinocket is a real gasser. I wonder what he'll leave behind when he, God forbid, keels over? The gun turret from the USS Nimitz?

*Photo from

Texas Tidbits : All the News That Isn't Fit to Print, But I'll Print It Anyway

To Protect and Serve...Beer*
Happy Labor Day Weekend, 2010, y'all! Since it is a holiday weekend, and all of you will be in the mood for fun, froth and frivolity, not earth-shattering news about stuff like Mexican Food and Bar B Que or the story of a guy who finds a missile launcher in his garden (!), you want some lighter fare that fits the occasion. Ask and ye shall receive. The torrid typing of the Texas Tidbits Teletype produces these gems (or BS, depending on your point of view) :
  • Midland - The Sheriff's Department of Midland County sounds like a great place to work. The "perks" are really cool...til you get caught. It seems that five of Midland's finest were enjoying a little fellowship and discussing pressing law enforcement issues at an establishment named "Twin Peaks". I don't don't know about you, but as a bachelor and man of the world for most of my adult life (until I met Heather), when a place of business is named "Twin Peaks", two things leap to mind. Mountains or scantily clad young women. Being that this episode took place in Midland, mountains are ruled out immediately. That leaves what's behind door number two : scanitly clad young women. Having said that, the name of a place alone is not necessarily an indication of what kind of business it is. However, and that's a big however, when the business' motto is “fun, friendly and sometimes flirty atmosphere!”, red flags (and scantily clad young women) go up like they were shot out of a thirty-aught-six. The scenario : These five cops were having a couple of beers at Twin Peaks. They befriended one of the scantily clad young women who works there and one of the Men in Blue invited the scantily clad young woman outside for a few snapshots. Nothing good could come from that. Even I have never been so inebriated as to do such a dumabass thing, plenty of other dumbass things but nothing this dumbass. Anyway, as if taking this girl outside for a few pictures isn't dumbass enough, one of the cops gives her an AK-47 AR-15! (thanks to anonymous in the comments for the correction-Toby) to pose with on his squad car! Epic.Fail. The High Sheriff of Midland County failed to see the humor in this little incident and took appropriate disciplinary action against the officers. In all this skullduggery and debauchery (and harmless law enforcement fun), there is a two word moral to the story for the gentlemen involved : Dunkin. Donuts.
There's your heart-warming human interest story for this week. Be sure to tune in next week when we'll have a blockbuster of a tale when the Midland Sheriff's Department spurns the lure of the scantily clad young women at Twin Peaks and opt for buffalo wings, beer and scantily clad young women at Hooters. You don't wanna miss it!

*Photo from

Copyright ©

All Original Material © Toby Shoemaker