Maine Minutiae : It's Against the Law to....What?

In a Representative Republic such as the United States (we are not a democracy!), it is necessary, by definition, to have laws that dictate certain moral and societal norms to its citizens. For instance, you can't commit a brazen act of homicide without legal justification, i.e., self-defense. I'm a small
government kind of guy so, in my opinion, murder laws and precious few others are all the laws we need. I  am not here today to argue conservative vs. liberal, because I think that the dumbass laws listed below, we can all agree are real dumbass laws. And these are just the ones on the books in Maine! I am not sure if it's sad or just plain stupid to have these statutes on in our penal code. You decide.

Did you know that :

•  Right here in Augusta, as I sit at my desk writing this brilliant tome, it's against the law for me to walk through Downtown Augusta playing a fiddle? My dreams of being the next Charlie Daniels are shot to hell. Thanks, you dipsticks.
• In Biddeford, it's illegal to skateboard on the sidewalk and gamble at the airport. I'm sure that Vegas was nearly catatonic because the airport in Biddeford, Maine(!) was set to become the next gaming mecca in the US.
• Making plans to visit Freeport? See that you rent a first story hotel room because it's against a much-needed City Ordinance to spit out of a second story window. What about a third story window, nimrods?
• South Berwick must have something against local law enforcement. Why? It's against South Berwick law to park in front of Dunkin Donuts! My suggestion to SB cops is this: next time one of your town's governing geniuses needs you to chase away a burglar or assist them with some other civil complaint, tell those idiots you ain't gonna do it until they pony up the damn Dunkin Donuts! Just hide and watch how quick this cop-hating law gets disappeared.
• Here's a real doozy. Maine State Law compels you to take a shotgun to Church in case of an Indian attack. I got a question about this one, too. What if you attend an Indian Church? Is the shotgun obligatory or do you have to have a tomahawk in case of a white guy attack? Dumbasses.
• Portland, the biggest, and arguably most "enlightened" city in this state, prohibits anyone from tickling a girl under the chin with a feather duster. I guess a small paintbrush under a girl's chin is out of the question. Weenies.

• Just up I-95 from me, in Waterville, it's a big no-no to pick your nose  in public. Next thing ya know, you won't be able to scratch your ass in public there either. Frakkin killjoys! 

This tyranny must stop now! And I mean now! Yesterday! It's up to you, Mr. and Mrs. America! These power-hungry commies will stop at nothing to gain control over your life! Kick the bastards out of office! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to pick my nose.......and scratch my ass......but not in Waterville.

Texas Tidbits : Willie Asked Me to Do a Duet! Really.

The Red Headed Stranger

James Ott said to me in the comments of my post on Buddy Holly yesterday, " Just think what this country would be like without Texas. A ship without a rudder or engine!!!" James hit the proverbial nail on the head with that statement. We'd also be without one of the greatest recording artists, and I do mean artist, singer-songwriters, humanitarian and all around cool dude - Willie Hugh Nelson.  As I have mentioned in previous posts, I had the good fortune of spending some time with Willie after one of his shows in Wichita Falls about 30 years ago. It was a dark and stormy night...I mean, it was raining like hell that night as Willie and I led his band members to his bus for the interview. I was the first one on the bus, followed by Willie, who was followed by his lead guitar player, Jody Payne. As I stepped onto the the bus, Willie not so subtly asked, "Hey, Toby. You got a joint?" I wasn't exactly stunned. I replied, "No, Willie, I wish I did". No sooner had I answered Willie's question when Jody stepped on board and stated, "Don't worry, I got one". Hilarity and an interview ensued. When I asked Willie why he did so many duets, he told me that he just loved to sing, then he promptly invited me to record a duet with him! Funny thing is, I think he was dead serious. Or stoned. Or both. At the conclusion of our little pow wow, while saying our adios's, Willie gifted to me the leftovers of a partially smoked "tamale". This laid back guy is as real in person as he is on TV or in a movie. This is Willie Nelson for cryin' out loud. Willie wasn't always a superstar. He struggled for twenty years as a singer/songwriter in order to become an "overnight sensation". Willie has written some of the best-known country music classics ever : Hello Walls (Faron Young), Crazy (Patsy Cline), Funny How Time Slips Away (Billy Walker), Pretty Paper (Roy Orbison), Always On My Mind (Elvis & many others) Night Life (Ray Price), etc.,etc.,etc. The Red Headed Stranger is one of the most critically acclaimed albums in the history of music, period. Willie has sung with many country music legends including, Merle Haggard, George Jones, Hank Williams, Jr., Ray Price and his brother from another mother, Waylon. Besides being a prolific singer/songwriter, Willie has been in several feature films - The Electric Horseman, Barbarosa, Honeysuckle Rose and The Dukes of Hazzard. How many people do you know that would bail you out of a $16million debt to the I.R.S.? Of their own free will, without being asked? That's what friends of Willie did for him back in the 80's. I have a feeling that these folks knew that Willie would have done exactly the same thing for each and every one of them, if the need arose. There's enough material on Willie that I could write a book about it, so I'm sure I left plenty out of this short post. If you've got a Willie story, please share it in the comments. Now, Willie, about that duet.....