Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Another Day, Another Doctor

My Rheumatologist*   

I will be posting late today. I have an appointment with a rheumatologist. I have been waiting about six weeks for this, so I am actually looking forward to it. Let me tell you that arthritis is a bitch. I don't know how advanced mine is, but it ain't much fun, and it seems to be getting more intense fairly quickly. I will be 54 years old next week, so, in my mind, I am way too young for this crap. But, I gotta play the hand I've been dealt and that's exactly what I plan to do. I ain't a quitter. I've still got plenty of fish to slay, a wonderful wife and two beautiful little girls to raise, so Arthur Effin Itis can kiss my ass. Check out some of the older posts on the blog as there's actually some pretty good stuff in the archives. I'll fill you in later today, so have a kick-ass Wednesday, y'all!


*Photo from rofl.files.wordpress.com

Colorado Chronicles : Balloon Boy Family Moves to Florida!

It's been almost a year since we first heard about the "Balloon Boy" of Colorado. You remember the story - the kid's dumbass  Dad was trying to pitch a reality TV show and instead of a novel idea and good storyline to present to TV producers, this nimrod concocted a steaming pile of a story that involved his young son and a runaway hot air balloon in which the boy was supposedly a passenger! The dumbass Dad left out one itsy bitsy detail of the story - the boy was at home in the attic while God knows how many policemen and other law enforcement types were frantically trying to save this poor kid as he supposedly soared all over North Central Colorado in a runaway balloon at altitudes of up to 7000 feet!. Long story short, the dumbass Dad got busted and paid his debt to society and is now a registered felon. It seems the notoriety of being a dumbass Dad got to the guy, so he is packing up his family and moving to Florida! I am sure the good citizens of the Sunshine State are thrilled at the thought of having another famous dumbass move into their fine state. I' mean, hell, they've already had OJ Simpson (before he was convicted of some serious crime in Nevada, where hopefully he will a prison bitch to some Deliverance-looking redneck named Leon Bob). As you know, OJ spent many years scouring the ritzy golf course of South Florida looking for the "real killers". He was unsuccessful in his search because the stupid bastard never looked into a mirror. But, I digress. Now dumbass Dad will pursue other interests while dodging alligators and hanging chads in Florida. I wish Balloon Boy and the rest of his family well in their new home, but as for dumbass Dad, my advice is to stay away from the swamps and do not take your dog for a walk in gator-infested areas. Gators love the smell of Little FiFi. On second thought, a splash of eau de chihuahua might do you some good. Dumbass.

Maine Minutiae : Pittston Man in Deep Doo Doo

Content Warning! If you have a weak stomach DO NOT READ this story!
The guy in the photo is a criminal. Bank robber? Nope. Embezzler? Try again. This man, Gary Moody, is a convicted "toilet pit climber". I was intrigued by the term "toilet pit climber", so as a Professional Blogging Guy, it is my sworn at duty to get to the, er, uh, bottom of this. As you may have guessed by now Our Friend Gary likes to climb into the pits of outhouses! Gary is a Doo Doo Diver!. But!, you say, maybe Gary was plastered one time and did something extremely stupid - and disgusting. I wish that I could report to you that this is the case, but NO! Gary Moody is a Serial Doo Doo Diver! Recently Ol' Gare was spotted by a nine year old boy after a successful session of doo doo diving, Gary's second known outhouse pit diving expedition. In 2005, Moody pleaded no contest to trespassing for the same offense. Since Gary's crime is not quite as common as, say, car theft, he was the first guy the cops went to for answers regarding this incident. The Portland Press Herald notes that special agent with the US Forest Service, William Fors recalled the case from 2005 and told the paper, "Based on the extremely rare nature of this type of activity, the fact that Gary Moody had a previous conviction for the same activity and the fact that Moody had a last known address in the Gardiner, Maine, area, I decided to locate and interview Moody,'' Good ol' Gary was convicted and sentenced to 30 days, a $1000 fine and $700 restitution to the Forest Service for the cost of pumping out the toilet pit. It seems to me that Gary could have saved himself seven big ones if he'd just asked for a shovel and emptied the pit on his own. Not only could he have saved the cash for himself, he could have done the very thing he loves doing! What more could a criminal ask for? I'm sure that this will be a subject of interest at Gary's kid's next "What Does Your Daddy Do for a Living? Day" at school. Does Gary dare take a Port-O-Potty to the school to demonstrate what Doo Doo Diving is all about? Does he say "doo doo" in front of a class of second graders? Instead of "Doo Doo Diver", should Gary use the term "Feces Farmer" instead? What's a Daddy Doo Doo Diver to do? Here's my bit of wisdom for Mr. Moody : Flush the whole idea.

Texas Tidbits : Award Winning State Fair of Texas Food!

Big Tex*
In seventeen short days, the first of over three million Texans and visitors from around the world will open the 2010 State Fair of Texas at the historic Fair Grounds in Dallas. The State Fair of Texas is, of course, the largest of the State Fairs in the US. Just like any other big time fair, the State Fair of Texas has all the usual attractions that fair goers have come to expect - roller coasters, the Zipper, the Texas Star Ferris Wheel (the biggest in the world, of course) and THE college football game of the year at the Cotton Bowl - those fine, outstanding young citizen scholar-athletes from the University of Texas and those dirty old rotten egg-suckin' dawgs from the University of Texas at Norman, or as it's properly known, Oklahoma University. Other than the Big game (Hook 'em Horns!), one of the main attractions of the State Fair is the food - fried food specifically. Wikipedia informs us "The fair has been known for years for Fletcher's brand corny dogs. Recent years have seen the introduction of new unusual deep-fried items, including deep-fried Oreo cookies; deep-fried Twinkies; deep-fried pork ribs; fried cheesecake; deep-fried butter; deep-fried peanut butter, jelly, and banana sandwiches; and most recently a batter-based fried Coke. New foods in 2008 included chicken fried bacon and fried banana splits. The State Fair of Texas chose "Ignite Your Senses!" as the 2008 theme" This year's big winners are fried beer and Texas Deep Fried Frito Pie . I am all over both of those! This type of Texas Fine Dining is the stuff that makes me proud to be from The Sacred Soil. This year's State Fair of Texas opens on September 24 and runs through October 17, so you've got plenty of time to make plans to attend. The fried beer is waiting for you, but remember : No eating and driving!

*Photo from fanpop.com
Hat tip to Kim Henning on Facebook

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