Monday, September 13, 2010

Colorado Chronicles : Denver Suburb Going to the......Coyotes?

Greenwood Village is an affluent suburb of Denver whose problems are usually the sorts of things that well-to-do neighborhood are known for - like controversy over who won the Yard of the Month award when someone else truly deserved it, where will we vacation this year, Rome or Detroit? Typical rich people stuff. Rich people are not, however, immune to some of the tings Mother Nature throws at them. Take for instance coyotes. Coyotes have become a menace to Greenwood Village and that point was driven home when recently when several family pets became Coyote Chow and a 14 year old boy was lunged at by one of the varmints while in a local park. The city then hired a guy to "exterminate"aggressive coyotes.  Read "exteriminate" as blow them away like Clint Eastwood does a bad guy. Use a gun that will splatter aggressive coyotes over six city blocks. But this Colorado, where enviro weenies would rather "confront" the coyote problem by (I ain't making this up!) re- teaching coyotes to fear humans! One resident of Greenwood Village, Jay Tutchton, was appointed to do this task.  The LA Times says that when Tutchton  "does see quarry, he doesn't shoot. He tries to stare them down. He charges after them. His mission: Harass the coyotes so they rediscover a sense of fear." Let me get this straight. This guy, Tutchton, screams and charges at coyotes to scare them and teach them to "rediscover a sense of fear." Jay, I say this with brotherly love, you are a dumbass. In my mind, screaming and charging at coyotes is an invitation to dinner. And YOU are the dinner! The coyotes are in your town looking for food and you are wearing a portable neon sign that says "I am Coyote Lunch and a Dumbass, come eat me!" Dude, coyotes will eat damn near anything, including Domesticated Dumbass. Jay, maybe you and your fellow dumbasses in Greenwood Village ought to another approach to this situation. Hell, I don't know, try something like maybe keep your pets inside after dark! Here's another idea for you, free of charge because that's how I roll, Don't leave pet food OUTSIDE!  You might also try keeping your damned garbage in the garage until Trash Pickup Day! Jay, I realize that these may be novel ideas to a dumbass like you, but I think if you follow these simple steps, and a few more, your coyote problem will eventually go bye bye like your common sense has. Until then, Jay old buddy, let the guy with the gun kill all aggressive coyotes dead. I can guarantee you that a dead coyote will never bother you again and will not ever procreate again. If all the methods of coyote adios-ing I mentioned don't work, call Warner Brothers in Hollywood. I hear they have a roadrunner that is hell on coyotes.

Maine Minutiae : Maine Lobstahs Invaded By Impostahs!

Non-Communist All American Lobster and His Wife
The people of Maine take their lobstahs very seriously. Lobsters to Maine are like the Dallas Cowboys to Texas. These delectable creatures are as much a part of Maine's culture as chowdah, blueberries or  lighthouses.
So, you can imagine the outrage when we discovered that our best-known commodity is being infiltrated by "impostor" lobsters from a communist country, Canada, hell-bent on destroying and brainwashing our Maine lobsters into becoming foreign commie lobsters! Thank God our Governor, John Baldacci, (Dem-I Don't Have a Clue Ville) is on top of this Crustacean Crisis! The Guv has endorsed a program that will immunize Maine lobsters from their Canadian cousins' attempts at this obvious subterfuge. This program is"Don't Buy Impostor Lobsters"! Just how does the Top Elected Official in this fine state propose that we don't buy impostor lobsters from Communist Canada? Passports for lobsters? Lobster Green Cards? (Deport illegal lobsters now! No amnesty for illegal lobsters!). If you said either of options, you were actually pretty damn close to the right answer. Thanks to Governor Baldacci, every lobster caught in Maine waters will be tagged with an ID "bracelet" that says "Certified Maine Lobster"! According to some lady named Kristen, and I implicitly trust any lady named Kristen because my trustworthy pharmacist is named Kristen, says to the Boston Globe, "We hope every lobster caught in Maine waters will soon be wearing these new ID bracelets," the council's executive director, Kristen Millar, told the Boston Globe. "It's truth in advertising. All lobsters are called 'Maine lobsters' and yet they're not all from Maine. It has become this generic term, like Kleenex." That settles that! I'll rest assured that not one single solitary Communist Canadian Lobster will makes its way onto my supper table thanks to the Certified Maine Lobster Program! I can't think of a better way to spend my tax dollars than to make sure that a Canuckistani lobster wearing a tiny Canuckistani lobster suicide vest will ever touch these lips, just like Kristen the lady who is not my trustworthy pharmacist said. As for John Baldacci, endorsing the Certified Maine Lobster program was a brilliant way to ensure his re-election, except he's term-limited out. This program will be Baldacci's legacy. I'm sad to report that thanks to God and the Maine Constitution, he's outta here in January.  On the bright side, however, President Odumbass can now grant amnesty to those vicious Canadian Suicide Lobsters who will now do the jobs that American lobsters won't do. I feel better already.

Texas Tidbits : A Heartwarming Story

It's a Blue Monday and to time leave behind a great weekend of football for the trudgery of work. I feel for you, so I thought it would be a good time to bring you some news that will undoubtedly brighten your day. Better still, if you get down in the mouth or bored at the job, you can always return to this page, read this story once (or twice) more and, like magic, you will be uplifted all over again! Let's shake off those Monday blues with this item guaranteed to bring a smile to your otherwise I-look-like-I-just-found-out-that-my-wife-threw-away-a-winning-SuperLotto-ticket-worth-$60-million face. Onward and upward we go. :
  • Our inspirational tale comes to us from Waco. For those of you who are not familiar with Waco, it is a very conservative town. Waco is home to Baylor University, the oldest university in Texas, and Baylor is a Baptist college, i.e., Waco is a very conservative city. Knowing this is true, to me at least, means that if you ever have to go through the criminal justice system, chances are that the jury of your peers hearing your case would be made up of very conservative (read: law and order types) people. To not realize this fact, you would have to be a dumbass. Leon Willis Wilkerson, 55, is a dumbass of the highest order. I mean this guy was beat with the Dumbass Stick. A lot. Here's why : Leon has been through courts in McClennan County before - to the tune of twelve(!) misdemeanors and eight felonies! But, wait! There's more! Our new friend Leon is a smoker. He was jonesing for a butt so bad, he stole a carton of cigarettes from a local store in Waco and got busted. This time, Leon's journey through the legal system ended quite badly for him. Ol' Leon ran into a jury of nice, conservative Baptists and those 12 people were nice enough to slap Mr. Wilkerson with 99 years in prison! For a carton of smokes! How dare they! Oh, wait. There were those eight other pesky felonies and twelve misdemeanors Leon had racked up. Being the nice, conservative Baptist people that they are, they determined Leon to be a habitual criminal - hence 99 years in the slammer. That's 9.9 years per pack of Newports there, Leon.  I have a sneaky feeling that Leon will be smoking in prison, but it won't be Newports, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Dumbass.
This little anecdote should be your inspiration to have a great Monday. Your boss may suck, you may be extremely tired or you could be suffering from allergies or something, but things could be worse. You could be Leon. And Leon is a dumbass.

*From KDFW-TV, Dallas

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