|Non-Communist All American Lobster and His Wife|
So, you can imagine the outrage when we discovered that our best-known commodity is being infiltrated by "impostor" lobsters from a communist country, Canada, hell-bent on destroying and brainwashing our Maine lobsters into becoming foreign commie lobsters! Thank God our Governor, John Baldacci, (Dem-I Don't Have a Clue Ville) is on top of this Crustacean Crisis! The Guv has endorsed a program that will immunize Maine lobsters from their Canadian cousins' attempts at this obvious subterfuge. This program is called...wait....for....it...."Don't Buy Impostor Lobsters"! Just how does the Top Elected Official in this fine state propose that we don't buy impostor lobsters from Communist Canada? Passports for lobsters? Lobster Green Cards? (Deport illegal lobsters now! No amnesty for illegal lobsters!). If you said either of options, you were actually pretty damn close to the right answer. Thanks to Governor Baldacci, every lobster caught in Maine waters will be tagged with an ID "bracelet" that says "Certified Maine Lobster"! According to some lady named Kristen, and I implicitly trust any lady named Kristen because my trustworthy pharmacist is named Kristen, says to the Boston Globe, "We hope every lobster caught in Maine waters will soon be wearing these new ID bracelets," the council's executive director, Kristen Millar, told the Boston Globe. "It's truth in advertising. All lobsters are called 'Maine lobsters' and yet they're not all from Maine. It has become this generic term, like Kleenex." That settles that! I'll rest assured that not one single solitary Communist Canadian Lobster will makes its way onto my supper table thanks to the Certified Maine Lobster Program! I can't think of a better way to spend my tax dollars than to make sure that a Canuckistani lobster wearing a tiny Canuckistani lobster suicide vest will ever touch these lips, just like Kristen the lady who is not my trustworthy pharmacist said. As for John Baldacci, endorsing the Certified Maine Lobster program was a brilliant way to ensure his re-election, except he's term-limited out. This program will be Baldacci's legacy. I'm sad to report that thanks to God and the Maine Constitution, he's outta here in January. On the bright side, however, President Odumbass can now grant amnesty to those vicious Canadian Suicide Lobsters who will now do the jobs that American lobsters won't do. I feel better already.