Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Maine Minutiae : Pumpkins Ahoy?

The state of Maine has a long (and I mean a long) history with boats and boating. Bath, Maine is called The City of Ships for cryin' out loud. One reason why this is so is Bath Iron Works. BIW built 83 destroyers for the US Navy...and that was just in World War II! You take that kind of boat building skill and a giant pumpkin and what do you get? The Damariscotta Pumpkinfest and Regatta! I'm sure you get the "pumpkinfest" part of that, but "regatta"? First to the "pumpkin" part. I got this from the event's website with the results of the 2009 Damariscotta Pumpkinfest and Regatta :

"Highlights of last year’s festival included a big parade complete with Maine’s new record pumpkin (weighing 1,210 pounds!) and its grower Elroy Morgan and Togus the Cat.  The Pumpkin Dessert Contest had 18 fine entries – all available for tasting.  There were tons of children’s games and a free matinĂ©e.  24 giant pumpkins were carved, painted, or both, by artists of all ages.  Pumpkins of various sizes were thrown, hurled, shot, and dropped thanks to record-holding punkin chunkers and catapulters, and a 150-foot crane taking aim on a retired police cruiser!" Imagine the fun! I mean, you've got kids' games, a parade, punkin chunkin' and pumpkin desserts. All of those activities are well and good, but it's the "regatta" part of the festival's name that piqued my curiosity. I immediately thought of sail boats, lobster boats and whatnot, but, boy, was I wrong. The "regatta" is for pumpkin boats! Look closely at the embedded photo. Those two people are pump-kayaking! There will also be motorized pumpkin boats! I have mentioned before that Mainers are a hardy and creative bunch, but this makes everything else innovative and creative about Maine seem like child's play. You gotta love something like this. Just think...if Gilligan and the other castaways had only discovered pumpkins on that desert isle, TV history would turned out much differently. And we'd have Damariscotta, Maine to thank for it.

Texas Tidbits : W. C. Fields Escapes Zoo!

I Need Directions from San Antonio to Santa Cruz*
We welcome another Humpday with Texas news that you probably haven't heard about. Why haven't you heard about it? Because our Lame Stream Media is too busy kissing President Obama's ass to report on real news. By real news I mean Dumbass News. Now that I think about it, Dumbass News and reporting on the current occupant of the White House are one and the same. But, I digress. Since I have a nose like a blood hound for Dumbass News, and I have done some dumbass stuff that would make Dumbass News blush (again I digress), I feel compelled to share it with you, fellow citizen. It's gonna be very difficult to "out dumbass" the 52% of voters who cast their ballots for our Disaster in Chief  (more digression), but I shall give it the old college try. Please remember 52% ers, that I say that with love in my heart. So awaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy we go!
  • Dumbass News - In San Antonio, W.C. Fields has escaped! No, not this W.C. Fields, but W.C. Fields the spider monkey. It seems that Tropical Storm Hermine did some damage to the San Antonio Zoo. Some of said damage occurred at the ape exhibit at the zoo. That's where W.C. (the monkey, not the guy) comes in. The storm tore up the wire enclosure that housed the monkey and he did what all good spider monkeys do when they get a Get Out of Monkey Jail Free Card, he ran like hell! Now, back to the word "wire" in the previous sentence. Wire? For a monkey cage? Really? What dumbass thought this was a good way to secure a frakkin' monkey? Does he (or she) not realize that even the smallest of monkeys are stronger than Hulk Hogan? Wire? Honestly? Did the idea of , I dunno, say, metal bars not cross someone's mind? Or, even better, put the damn monkey INSIDE the ape house! A real building! I am nearly 100% positive that the good folks at SA Zoo had ample warning that a Tropical Storm was on the way and I'm equally certain that they could have come up with a better plan to see that monkeys, apes and  in-laws were securely housed during the onslaught of Hermine. The last I heard (I am not making this up), W.C. was still on the monkey lam and had at one point chased a lady into her garage and kept her there for over an hour. W.C. must look a lot like her ex-husband. Or my in-laws.
There is plenty more Dumbass News to report on but I don't think it's a good idea to overdose you on dumbass today. I will, however, give you a hint of more dumbassery to come : there's a shop in Santa Cruz, California that is selling ice cream, not with chocolate chips or nuts or sprinkles, but with marijuana mixed in medical purposes! This is a brilliant marketing ploy! A guy walks in the shop and orders a pot-sicle, pays and returns in about an hour and guess what? The dude has the munchies! He then proceeds to order the 31 other flavors for dessert! Boom! The Ice Cream Guy will be wealthy beyond his wildest dreams! Until the gubmint shuts him down. Or until W.C. the monkey tries one or two of the banana cream pot-sicles. At that point the Ice Cream Guy had better find a garage to hide in. But, I digress.

*Photo from National Geographic

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