How Not to Rob a House

All I Took Was One Lousy Cookie!

We've made it to another weekend and that can mean only one thing! I have no idea what that "one thing" is, but the weekend always means "one thing". Or so I am told. You figure it out and let me know, will ya? I would like to dedicate this post to my friends in Tyler. It sounds just like something one of you would do, especially Ted. Ted is a madman. But he is our madman. I immediately thought of my buddy Ted when I saw this article about a guy practicing his God-given right to break into someone else's home while they are away. An alert neighbor called the heat when he witnessed a man, let's call him "Ted", kick in the front door to his neighbor's house. It couldn't have been the neighbor kicking in his own door while on his weekly tequila-a-thon, the neighbor was having his weekly tequila-a-thon somewhere else and wasn't at home. Besides, it was 3:30AM when this took place so the tequila-a-thon guy would have been passed out by now. Therefore, the alert neighbor knew something was rotten in Denmark. A few minutes later the fuzz arrived, cautiously entered the residence in question, Clint Eastwood cop guns at the ready and quickly spotted the intruder....in the bathtub! I now know that the bad guy isn't my friend Ted because Ted doesn't bathe. But I digress. Let's see, where was I...oh,yeah, the cops enter the house and find the burglar in the bath tub. I've heard of making a clean get away, but gee-moe-netti! The bad guy has to be from Oklahoma or something. Texas burglars are way too smart to get caught because they wanted to take a bath, passed out dead ass drunk maybe, but never to take a damn bath. Needless to say, the suspect was arrested and is now a guest of the Smith County Sheriff's Department, where he gets only one bath per week and is very careful to maintain a tight grip on the soap.

Trojan Condoms Make Picking a College Easy!

No.1 Condom for "Enlightened" Universities

There is a sure-fire new criterium for choosing a college for your kids. Once I tell you about this amazing school-choosing tool, you'll quickly dismiss things such as graduation rates and curriculum as old fashioned and unnecessary. And to think, this new factor in determining an institution of higher learning for your kid (and your hard-earned money) has been right in front of you (pun intended, you'll see why in a second) The answer to this age old question is condoms! See? I told you the answer was right in front of you. But I digress. Those dumbass bastions of virtue at Trojan Condoms have, at great expense (and free samples, I'm sure), done a study that, with great fanfare, has ranked the thirteen colleges in the United States that are the most "sexually healthy" in the whole damn country! Now that's a study we can all get behind! Another pun! I am on a roll! I ain't makin' this stuff up. Here's a short paragraph directly from the article on parentdish.com: "Trojan. The condom giant just released its fifth annual Sexual Health Report Card, which looked at 141 colleges and ranked them according to the quality and accessibility of their sexual health resources. The report zeroes in on 12 categories ranging from contraceptive availability and STD testing to sexual assault programs, according to a news release. Each school was given a "GPA" based on its average in the areas, with 4.0, naturally, being the highest possible rating." I know I feel much better now that Trojan is on the ball.

I am going to present the rankings exactly as they appear in the Parent Dish article.You might need a stiff drink (another pun! hahahahaha) after reading this, so prepare yourself. I hate to copy and paste too much, but if I didn't, you'd think I was drunk or something. Here's what I mean: "Columbia University in New York City topped the honor roll with a 3.70, distinguishing itself with Go Ask Alice, a comprehensive website that allows students to submit questions anonymously. Current topics span the health scope: "Keeping the flow with a condom," "Numbing lube safety for anal sex" and "Quick and healthy bag lunches."

Michigan State was ranked second with a 3.61, followed by Ohio State University. Also making the honor roll: University of Michigan, 3.55; Brown University, 3.50; University of Iowa, 3.49; University of Oregon, 3.44; Princeton University, 3.41; Rutgers, 3,38; University of Minnesota, 3.37; Western Michigan University, 3.28; Cornell, 3.22; and Yale, 3.17." See? You would have thought I was hammered! I guess that all the fine Universities of the South must be sexually unhealthy. There's not one in the Top 13! Dumbass Rednecks! I am telling you people of the South to get busy with the cousin' humpin' You are losing out to a bunch of Yankees for Pete's sake! Oh, wait. Could it be that many colleges in the South are more conservative than their more "enlightened" (read : liberal) Northern brethren and sex before marriage is not something to be condoned? I mean, many places pass out free hypodermic needles to drug users and miraculously all intravenous drug use and the spread of aids have stopped! Oh, that's right they haven't. What a dumbass I am. I must admit that I am , by virtue of this study, more well-prepared to have a frank talk with my daughters about condom usage and "keeping the flow" as well as the use of 'numbing lube safety for anal sex". Abstinence, schmabstinence. Who needs to wait to be married to have sex? Use a condom and some ass-numbing lube and be sexually liberated! Excuse me while I go puke. Dumbasses.

A Car Ad That'll Blow Your Doors! Guaranteed.

A Great Ad for a Great Car

The link I am going to post in a minute, is to something that has been around for a while, but I had forgotten about it until my friend Ted from Tyler emailed it to me this morning. It's a Honda (car, not motorcycle) commercial. But, it is no ordinary car commercial. this is a work of genius. it took 606 takes to get it just right and when you see it, you'll understand why. Also at the link, there is some background information on the logistics of the whole process of making the commercial from idea to the piece of cinematic art that you'll see. the whole things is done with car parts which makes it all the more amazing. Feel free to pass it along to everyone you know. It's that cool.

Here's the link: Honda Ad. Prepare to be amazed.

Will You Be My Daddy? (Reprise)

This was originally posted on October 17, 2010. 

Here I am all alone in the room at 6:23AM, EDT. My better half took the girls and they are all snuggled up on the bed in mine and Heather's room. We woke up at about 5:00AM to send my mother-in-law off, back to her cave where her caldron is probably at full boil. It was kind of cool when the Swamp Thing left this morning. I learned two things - 1) brooms really do fly and 2) flying brooms don't leave a contrail.

This week is gonna be hectic for us as there are some very important things happening, possibly all on the same day. Tuesday the 19th is Isabella's eighth birthday, the Wii I bought on eBay may arrive on that day and my newest fishin' buddy, Coop is due  to take a ride on The Miracle Express at any time. Even at 54, I get excited about some things like I was a kid again - I can't wait for the Wii to get here. I'm just kiddin' about that, although I do plan to play on it a lot.

I don't know why, but I have quite sentimental for the last week or so.  Much of it has to do with my oldest daughter, Isabella. When I first arrived in Maine 4 1/2 years ago, she was a blonde haired, blue eyed fireplug. Now, at age eight minus two days, I see her making the transition from little girl to something else, a teenager I guess. She's kind of in between stages, not quite a teen but no longer a little girl. Does that make sense? I think about the future when she's in high school and beyond, and the boys who'll take notice of this beautiful young woman. Does eBay sell shotguns and rock salt? Issy has grown enough that I can't pick her up and swing her around like a helicopter, and that makes me sad. She doesn't help me in the garden as much as she used to, friends are all over the place, riding bicycles and skateboards. Think about it. If you were eight years old which would you choose? Handsome boys on bikes and skateboards or an arthritic old fart talking to tomato plants? What use to be Daddy and Issy time has been reduced to Daddy teaching tomato and pepper plants simple Spanish. I'm surely the only man in New England who has bi-lingual vegetables. Next spring I'll be teaching the squash pig Latin.

Will You Be My Little Girl?

I've always heard about the special relationship that Dads and daughters share, but I was ill-prepared for what was to come when Issy became part of my life. The bond between us is something that I can't put into words other than to say, she's my little girl, and always will be. I remember a time about six months after I moved here to be with Heather and Issy. I was washing some dishes minding my own buidness when my little blonde fireplug came into the kitchen. She was four years old and said, "Toby, I have a question". "I've got an answer", I replied. I was not expecting this particular question. She asked, "Will you be my Daddy?". Wow!! Talk about being knocked over with feather. All of the sudden, I got something in my eyes that made them water. Dish water or something. (cough, cough). I told her that it would be my honor and privilege to be her Daddy. A large hug between us and more dishwater got into my eyes ensued. Damn dishwater! Now she's stuck with me! hahahahahahaha All you guys out there with little girls, I am jealous of you. I am jealous because it took me nearly fifty years to get a little girl and you guys have had them for so much longer. :) I gotta tell ya, that one little question, all five words of it, changed my life forever. I thank God for my little girl, and those five little words, everyday. Now if you'll excuse me, I got some dishwater in my eyes.

Homeless Guy Has a Fantastic Radio Voice! I Ain't Kiddin'

On the Air

I am the Administrator of this blog and by virtue of that, I personally pick and publish about 99.99999% of the content herein. On my other blog, Dumbass News, my wife finds about half of the content posted over there. A couple of days ago she came across a YouTube video of a homeless guy somewhere in Ohio who stands at the end of an exit ramp to one of the Interstate Highways up there, with a sign that says something along the lines of "God has blessed me with a great voice for radio, can you help a bruthah out?" She bugged me about this video until I finally gave in and watched it a little while ago. I am a former on-air Radio Guy of 15 years, so I have a pretty good ear when it comes to "Radio/TV Announcer Voices". Before watching the video, I was skeptical to say the least. I was wrong. Real wrong. I am being kind when I say that this man may have a golden voice, but he also has the perfect face for radio. Like me. :)

I ask a small favor of you. Please watch this video. It's only about a minute and a half long, so it won't take up much time at all. If you are a Radio/TV Person or you have connections to such people, I ask that you please hook them up with this video. The guy is amazing. I don't know how to get in touch with him, but I do know that he just got some kind of gig with the Cleveland Cavaliers of the NBA. My guess is that you can reach him through the Cavs' front office. The number is 1-800-820-CAVS (2287).
And now....The Voice...

Texas Tidbits: The "Texas Almanac" Covers Cars, Congress and More

All About Texas

The Texas Almanac has been a leading reference book for those who are in search of information on any number of topics about Texas since 1857. While there were years when the Almanac wasn't published, it has been a yearly fixture of Texas publishing since 1925. I was browsing through it when I found an article about the early days of the automobile in Texas. Published in 1911, less than fifty years after the end of the War of Northern Aggression (Yankees call it the Civil War or The War Between the States), this article paints a picture of Texas as a very different place from what we see throughout the state today.

Remember that this article was published in 1911. It states, "Ten years ago an automobile was a curiosity in the leading cities of Texas. Five years ago the people in many counties had never seen what was then known as the horseless carriage. Today it is estimated that the number of automobiles in actual service in Texas will reach nearly 30,000 and that over $40,000,000 is invested in the machines. Reports, dated August 1, 1910, from 180
counties in the State show a total of 14,276 automobiles. A canvass by the Commercial Secretaries’
Association places the number at 30,000, which, at an average value of $1,500 each, would make the investment $45,000,000. This number is constantly increasing, and counting the life of a machine at three years, the new machines purchased to take the place of old ones cost $15,000,000 annually."Thirty thousand cars in the whole state? How hard to imagine is that? On any given rush hour, you'll find more than that many cars on Loop 610 in Houston alone. In 1911, there were barely over a thousand cars in all of Harris County. Dallas County weighed in with a hefty 1390 automobiles in 1911.

To view the entire article, click here and scroll down to the last article link on the page. There are other articles from the Texas Almanac at the link that tell us about the schools in Texas in 1873, the State Legislature in 1870 and the Almanac lists the composition of the State Congress as "Democrats and Conservatives 40; Radicals, 50...." What the hell would the publishers of this story in 1870 think about politicians today? I shudder at the thought. There is also a piece on survivors of the Texas Revolution written in 1872. I think you'll find some stuff that'll trip your trigger when you follow the link to the stories. As I mentioned earlier, the Texas Almanac holds a mountain of information regarding the Lone Star State, its people and its history and it's just a mouse click away. Go ahead. Click. You know you want to. You'll thank me later.  :)

Texas Tidbits: Texas Beyond History

Granado Cave

On this very blog, I regularly write about Texas History. To me at least, it's a fascinating topic and I am always on the lookout for new sites that cover some kind of Texas History. Today, I bingo'ed when I found a site called Texas Beyond History. I have always been curious as to who lived in Texas thousands of years ago, before the Europeans and Indians from other parts of the New World made it into Texas and Prehistoric Texas filled in the blanks for me.what really got my attention about ancient peoples in general, was the discovery of human remains in Israel that are believed to be 200,000 years old. Enter my curiosity and Texas Beyond History, TBH courtesy of the University of Texas at Austin.

Yesterday, I published an article about the recent discovery of the biggest cave in the world in Viet Nam. That got me to thinking about the caves in Texas and the history associated with them,, Then, like a lightning bolt out of the blue, I found Texas Beyond History. Ask and ye shall receive! I navigated my way around the site in search of caves and I came up with a cave in the Rustler Hills of  West Texas called "Granado Cave". Following is what I learned.

For more than 1200 years, Indians in this area used Granado Cave as a seasonal or temporary home. These early inhabitants left behind a treasure trove of artifacts and evidence of the activities of their daily lives. For archeologists, "Granado Cave provides a window into the past and small glimpses of innovative and caring peoples trying to make a living in this harsh desert area. The cave's protective shelter and the region's dry climate have preserved fragile artifacts and other remains of prehistoric life that would not have survived in most other areas of the state".The early inhabitants of Granado Cave also left behind "fragments of meals, cooking "appliances," tools, mats and basketry. They also left haunting reminders of tragic events long ago—the deaths of loved ones."


Click on over and give the entire article a look-see. You'll find a wealth of information in such a short piece, but more importantly, you'll be able to visualize in your mind a movie of almost exactly what it was like to be one the Ancient Ones of West Texas. Your mental motion picture will take you through the daily lives of the Rustlers Hills people, or Castile culture, as they hunt and gather, prepare meals, weave baskets and shoes from local plants and other fascinating things that will make the movie playing in your thoughts as real as the people who performed these tasks so long ago.

This is Texas History.