Monday, September 13, 2010

Colorado Chronicles : Denver Suburb Going to the......Coyotes?

Greenwood Village is an affluent suburb of Denver whose problems are usually the sorts of things that well-to-do neighborhood are known for - like controversy over who won the Yard of the Month award when someone else truly deserved it, where will we vacation this year, Rome or Detroit? Typical rich people stuff. Rich people are not, however, immune to some of the tings Mother Nature throws at them. Take for instance coyotes. Coyotes have become a menace to Greenwood Village and that point was driven home when recently when several family pets became Coyote Chow and a 14 year old boy was lunged at by one of the varmints while in a local park. The city then hired a guy to "exterminate"aggressive coyotes.  Read "exteriminate" as blow them away like Clint Eastwood does a bad guy. Use a gun that will splatter aggressive coyotes over six city blocks. But this Colorado, where enviro weenies would rather "confront" the coyote problem by (I ain't making this up!) re- teaching coyotes to fear humans! One resident of Greenwood Village, Jay Tutchton, was appointed to do this task.  The LA Times says that when Tutchton  "does see quarry, he doesn't shoot. He tries to stare them down. He charges after them. His mission: Harass the coyotes so they rediscover a sense of fear." Let me get this straight. This guy, Tutchton, screams and charges at coyotes to scare them and teach them to "rediscover a sense of fear." Jay, I say this with brotherly love, you are a dumbass. In my mind, screaming and charging at coyotes is an invitation to dinner. And YOU are the dinner! The coyotes are in your town looking for food and you are wearing a portable neon sign that says "I am Coyote Lunch and a Dumbass, come eat me!" Dude, coyotes will eat damn near anything, including Domesticated Dumbass. Jay, maybe you and your fellow dumbasses in Greenwood Village ought to another approach to this situation. Hell, I don't know, try something like maybe keep your pets inside after dark! Here's another idea for you, free of charge because that's how I roll, Don't leave pet food OUTSIDE!  You might also try keeping your damned garbage in the garage until Trash Pickup Day! Jay, I realize that these may be novel ideas to a dumbass like you, but I think if you follow these simple steps, and a few more, your coyote problem will eventually go bye bye like your common sense has. Until then, Jay old buddy, let the guy with the gun kill all aggressive coyotes dead. I can guarantee you that a dead coyote will never bother you again and will not ever procreate again. If all the methods of coyote adios-ing I mentioned don't work, call Warner Brothers in Hollywood. I hear they have a roadrunner that is hell on coyotes.

1 comment:

  1. Put the fear of humans in them?
    It never left them, it's just that humans quit viewing them as a predatory threat.
    I love hunting coyotes and bob cats. I consider myself a superior predator to them both.
    Here in the burbs of North Dallas, I'm often up and out the door at 00:dark:00hrs and see them both scurrying about, mostly going home after feasting on dogs, cats and rabbits, as well as the left out pet food. The rabbits are attracted to the lush landscaping. The bunnies eat up all those gorgeous flowers and grow fat, then the coyotes feast. Then the humans bemoan the state of their devastated flower beds and go to Lowe's and buy a whole bunch more.
    The bunnies are happy(for a while), then the coyotes are made happy.
    With all the creeks that run through the burbs, the coyotes and bob cats have their own freeway system.
    As for dingus Jay staring down a coyote, they will always run, but the motivation of their smorgasbord is much greater than one self-important dingus.
    Other than the horrifying sound of a bunny in distress used to draw the coyotes in close, coyote hunting is a lot of fun. The screeching of the bunny always reminds me of when I worked in the microbiology labs at UT-Austin. When the experiment was to conclude, the blood of the bunnies was needed for analysis. Those bunnies let out one loud screech when they are about to die.


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