Saturday, September 4, 2010

Maine Minutiae : House For Sale: 3BR, 2BA, 1 Bomb....Whaaaaaaaaaa?

Your House Is Da Bomb!*
The process of buying a new home can be quite stressful in good times, but when the economy sucks like it does today (how's that hope and change workin' out for ya?), things can be downright explosive, literally...almost. There is a nice family in Millinocket, Maine, who like millions of Americans, were looking to fulfill their very own American Dream by purchasing a new house. Fate smiled upon this nice family from Millinocket and they found the house of their dreams and lo and behold, without a government handout(!), Nice Family bought the house. What a happy ending! Not. The home in question had been vacant for several years as the previous owner, the former Police Chief of Millinocket, went on to his reward. So, the big day came and Nice Family was all set to move in to their shiny, new home and upon arrival what did they find in their shiny new home? A shiny new BOMB! .Two questions come to the fore concerning Nice Family's shiny new bomb. The obvious question is 'Why in the hell would a Chief of Police have a shiny new bomb in his home"? My buddy in Texas, Tim Freestone sells shiny new homes for a living, but even Tim, clever prankster and rascal that he is, would never sell Nice Family a home with a bomb in it. Hand grenades, maybe, but bombs, never. Even for Tim, that's a bit of overkill. Question numero two-o: "Who is responsible for putting this guy in as Chief of Police? Maxwell Smart"? People at Millinocket City Hall are running the paper shredder into the ground as we speak so nobody will ever know. The story does, however, have a happy ending. The fuzz police in Millinocket summoned up the Maine State Police Prankster Division Bomb Squad, who took possession of the shiny new bomb and determined that it was a fake, despite the fact that it had several realistic-looking sticks of TNT attached to it. Those Bomb Squad guys have a big set of brass gazebos, don't they? Thanks to the heroic efforts of the authorities, Nice Family has settled into their shiny bomb-less shiny new home, well...nicely. I hear the Fire Chief of Millinocket is a real gasser. I wonder what he'll leave behind when he, God forbid, keels over? The gun turret from the USS Nimitz?

*Photo from

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