Friday, August 27, 2010

Maine Minutiae : It's Against the Law to....What?

In a Representative Republic such as the United States (we are not a democracy!), it is necessary, by definition, to have laws that dictate certain moral and societal norms to its citizens. For instance, you can't commit a brazen act of homicide without legal justification, i.e., self-defense. I'm a small
government kind of guy so, in my opinion, murder laws and precious few others are all the laws we need. I  am not here today to argue conservative vs. liberal, because I think that the dumbass laws listed below, we can all agree are real dumbass laws. And these are just the ones on the books in Maine! I am not sure if it's sad or just plain stupid to have these statutes on in our penal code. You decide.

Did you know that :
  •  Right here in Augusta, as I sit at my desk writing this brilliant tome, it's against the law for me to walk through Downtown Augusta playing a fiddle? My dreams of being the next Charlie Daniels are shot to hell. Thanks, you dipsticks.
  • In Biddeford, it's illegal to skateboard on the sidewalk and gamble at the airport. I'm sure that Vegas was nearly catatonic because the airport in Biddeford, Maine(!) was set to become the next gaming mecca in the US.
  • Making plans to visit Freeport? See that you rent a first story hotel room because it's against a much-needed City Ordinance to spit out of a second story window. What about a third story window, nimrods?
  • South Berwick must have something against local law enforcement. Why? It's against South Berwick law to park in front of Dunkin Donuts! My suggestion to SB cops is this: next time one of your town's governing geniuses needs you to chase away a burglar or assist them with some other civil complaint, tell those idiots you ain't gonna do it until they pony up the damn Dunkin Donuts! Just hide and watch how quick this cop-hating law gets disappeared.
  • Here's a real doozy. Maine State Law compels you to take a shotgun to Church in case of an Indian attack. I got a question about this one, too. What if you attend an Indian Church? Is the shotgun obligatory or do you have to have a tomahawk in case of a white guy attack? Dumbasses.
  • Portland, the biggest, and arguably most "enlightened" city in this state, prohibits anyone from tickling a girl under the chin with a feather duster. I guess a small paintbrush under a girl's chin is out of the question. Weenies.
  • Just up I-95 from me, in Waterville, it's a big no-no to pick your nose  in public. Next thing ya know, you won't be able to scratch your ass in public there either. Frakkin killjoys! 
This tyranny must stop now! And I mean now! Yesterday! It's up to you, Mr. and Mrs. America! These power-hungry commies will stop at nothing to gain control over your life! Kick the bastards out of office! Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to pick my nose.......and scratch my ass......but not in Waterville.

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