Texas Tidbits : W. C. Fields Escapes Zoo!

I Need Directions from San Antonio to Santa Cruz*

We welcome another Humpday with Texas news that you probably haven't heard about. Why haven't you heard about it? Because our Lame Stream Media is too busy kissing President Obama's ass to report on real news. By real news I mean Dumbass News. Now that I think about it, Dumbass News and reporting on the current occupant of the White House are one and the same. But, I digress. Since I have a nose like a blood hound for Dumbass News, and I have done some dumbass stuff that would make Dumbass News blush (again I digress), I feel compelled to share it with you, fellow citizen. It's gonna be very difficult to "out dumbass" the 52% of voters who cast their ballots for our Disaster in Chief  (more digression), but I shall give it the old college try. Please remember 52% ers, that I say that with love in my heart. So awaaaaaaayyyyyyyyy we go!

• Dumbass News - In San Antonio, W.C. Fields has escaped! No, not this W.C. Fields, but W.C. Fields the spider monkey. It seems that Tropical Storm Hermine did some damage to the San Antonio Zoo. Some of said damage occurred at the ape exhibit at the zoo. That's where W.C. (the monkey, not the guy) comes in. The storm tore up the wire enclosure that housed the monkey and he did what all good spider monkeys do when they get a Get Out of Monkey Jail Free Card, he ran like hell! Now, back to the word "wire" in the previous sentence. Wire? For a monkey cage? Really? What dumbass thought this was a good way to secure a frakkin' monkey? Does he (or she) not realize that even the smallest of monkeys are stronger than Hulk Hogan? Wire? Honestly? Did the idea of , I dunno, say, metal bars not cross someone's mind? Or, even better, put the damn monkey INSIDE the ape house! A real building! I am nearly 100% positive that the good folks at SA Zoo had ample warning that a Tropical Storm was on the way and I'm equally certain that they could have come up with a better plan to see that monkeys, apes and  in-laws were securely housed during the onslaught of Hermine. The last I heard (I am not making this up), W.C. was still on the monkey lam and had at one point chased a lady into her garage and kept her there for over an hour. W.C. must look a lot like her ex-husband. Or my in-laws.

There is plenty more Dumbass News to report on but I don't think it's a good idea to overdose you on dumbass today. I will, however, give you a hint of more dumbassery to come : there's a shop in Santa Cruz, California that is selling ice cream, not with chocolate chips or nuts or sprinkles, but with marijuana mixed in ...wait...for...it...for medical purposes! This is a brilliant marketing ploy! A guy walks in the shop and orders a pot-sicle, pays and returns in about an hour and guess what? The dude has the munchies! He then proceeds to order the 31 other flavors for dessert! Boom! The Ice Cream Guy will be wealthy beyond his wildest dreams! Until the gubmint shuts him down. Or until W.C. the monkey tries one or two of the banana cream pot-sicles. At that point the Ice Cream Guy had better find a garage to hide in. But, I digress.

*Photo from National Geographic

Colorado Chronicles : Unsinkable

Unsinkable*

I'd bet dollars to donuts that if I mentioned the name Margaret Tobin, you'd say, "Who?". OK, how about Margaret Brown? Molly Brown? Still no idea? The Unsinkable Molly Brown? I knew that you'd recognize that one. And the goofy thing is that Margaret Tobin (maiden name) Brown was never even known as Molly, but as Maggie, during her lifetime, but Molly is the handle that made her world famous.So, what does Maggie Brown have to do with Colorado? Maggie Tobin and her brother moved to Leadville from Hanibal, Missouri when she was 19. She later met and married J.J. Brown. Mr. Brown made a killing in gold mining and he and Maggie used their good fortune to do wonderful things in Colorado, especially Denver, where the Browns lived. Wikipedia picks up the story from there : "In 1894, the Browns moved to Denver, Colorado, which gave the family more social opportunities. Margaret became a charter member of the Denver Woman's Club, whose mission was the improvement of women's lives through continuing education and philanthropy. In 1901, she was one of the first students to enroll at the Carnegie Institute ^{[disambiguation needed]} in New York. Adjusting to the trappings of a society lady, Brown became well-immersed in the arts and fluent in French, German, and Russian. In 1909 she ran for the U.S. Senate. Margaret assisted in the fundraising for Denver's Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception which was completed in 1911. Margaret worked with Judge Lindsey to help destitute children and establish the United States' first juvenile court which helped form the basis of the modern U.S. juvenile courts system." Next question, "Where in the heck did the "Unsinkable Molly" come from? Again, we turn to Wikipedia : "Margaret boarded the passenger liner RMS Titanic as a first class passenger at Cherbourg, France. The Titanic sank on April 15, 1912 after striking an iceberg. Margaret helped others board the lifeboats but was finally convinced to leave the ship in Lifeboat No. 6.^[1] She would come to be regarded as a heroine for her efforts to get Lifeboat 6 to go back to look for survivors.^[1] Molly Brown was dubbed "The Unsinkable Molly Brown" by historians because she became a hero of the night by helping in the ship's evacuation, taking an oar herself in her lifeboat and protesting for the lifeboat to go back to try and save more people." Molly's heroics were noted in the 1997 blockbuster movie, Titanic, and before that in 1960, Molly was memorialized the Broadway musical The Unsinkable Molly Brown, and in the 1964 film based on the musical. Margaret Tobin Brown, known as Molly to millions, unbeatable and unsinkable.


*Photo from wikipedia.org

Maine Minutiae : Oh, Little Town of Bethel...

One thing I like about living in Maine is that are not a lot of people here. There are only about 1.5 million people in the whole state, leaving lots of room to get away from the grind of daily life...and kids. :) Based on that population figure, it's only natural that there a ton of small towns up here and nearly every town or community in Maine has at least one big festival a year, kind of like all the rural areas of East and West Texas. Bethel, Maine is one of those small towns. Bethel is a town of 2400 folks and is 63 miles due west of Augusta in Oxford County. This weekend is a big deal for Bethel and the surrounding communities. On Saturday, September 18, Bethel will host the 13th Annual Harvest Fest and Chowdah Cookoff. This shindig marks the beginning of the foliage change in New England and there are some neat events for the whole family. And all good celebrations have a liberal quantity of food for your culinary enjoyment. As the name of the festival indicates, the main dish to be served is chowder and some of the best chowder cookers from around New England will compete in the big Chowdah Cookoff. For my amigos in Texas, think chili cookoff. This chowdah cookoff stuff is serious business. Also on tap will be some more serious business, an apple pie bake off! I'm not much for chowder, but homemade apple pie is another matter all together. Just writing about it, I can almost smell a fresh, succulent, homemade apple pie cooking in the oven. Is it just me or is anybody else hungry right now? The schedule of events for the 13th Annual Harvest Fest and Chowdah Cookoff can be found here. OK, Mainers and neighboring staters, you've got the scoop on this hoedown (there will be music, too) and the time to make plans for this weekend...the 13th Annual Harvest and Chowdah Cookoff in Bethel awaits you! One more thing, will somebody save a piece of apple pie for me? Thanks. :)

Texas Tidbits : Rodeo, Cantaloupe and Dad

I don't know much about Pecos, but I feel like I have been there a hundred times. As many of you know, my Dad was a trucker and he's the reason that, as a child, that I even knew Pecos existed. At the time, the company that Dad worked for only delivered in Texas and Pecos was the crown jewel of all the trips. We lived in Irving at the, so Dad drove out of the Dallas terminal, making Pecos the longest and best-paying trip Merchants (the company) had. I remember Dad saying 1000's of times, "I wish I could get a Pecos tonight". To me, a kid of 6 or 7, Pecos was in another world. It was 427 miles from Dallas! 427 miles!In West Texas! Wow! I had never been to West Texas at that time, so it sounded like a whole other planet. I knew East Texas very well by the time I was 6 or 7, Tyler, Gilmer, Betty, Thomas, Gladewater, Lindale and so on. But West Texas was in the desert! I imagined Pecos as the kind of place John Wayne would live. Cowboys, saloons, cattle, bad guys waiting for The Duke to come kick their asses or meet their Fate at the end of a rope. That is how I "knew" Pecos. For some odd reason, I also knew that Pecos was home to the World's 1st Rodeo . Why? Don't ask me. It's probably something I learned from Dad. Oh, yeah! Cantaloupes! Pecos was famous for cantaloupes! I learned that from Dad, too - probably over a Pecos cantaloupe split in half and a salt shaker, neither of us looking up from that melon while, carrying on a conversation about race cars or something similar. My Dad lived in Pecos for a while after my parent split up when I was about 10 or 11 years old. I remember him telling me of going to Mexico for what I guess now was a little "cultural exchange". He never did say, and I never asked. I started writing this post with the intention of sharing some history and general info about Pecos, but after I typed the first sentence, the memories of my Dad and his stories came to me in a flood of yesterdays. You know, I'm glad I wrote that first sentence. I have a big ass cantaloupe in the kitchen, I think I'll split it in half, grab a salt shaker and share the melon and some stories of my life with my little girl. Oh....and Dad, I'll tell her about you, me, the cantaloupe and the salt shaker.

Colorado Chronicles : Denver Suburb Going to the......Coyotes?

Greenwood Village is an affluent suburb of Denver whose problems are usually the sorts of things that well-to-do neighborhood are known for - like controversy over who won the Yard of the Month award when someone else truly deserved it, where will we vacation this year, Rome or Detroit? Typical rich people stuff. Rich people are not, however, immune to some of the tings Mother Nature throws at them. Take for instance coyotes. Coyotes have become a menace to Greenwood Village and that point was driven home when recently when several family pets became Coyote Chow and a 14 year old boy was lunged at by one of the varmints while in a local park. The city then hired a guy to "exterminate"aggressive coyotes.  Read "exteriminate" as blow them away like Clint Eastwood does a bad guy. Use a gun that will splatter aggressive coyotes over six city blocks. But this Colorado, where enviro weenies would rather "confront" the coyote problem by (I ain't making this up!) re- teaching coyotes to fear humans! One resident of Greenwood Village, Jay Tutchton, was appointed to do this task.  The LA Times says that when Tutchton  "does see quarry, he doesn't shoot. He tries to stare them down. He charges after them. His mission: Harass the coyotes so they rediscover a sense of fear." Let me get this straight. This guy, Tutchton, screams and charges at coyotes to scare them and teach them to "rediscover a sense of fear." Jay, I say this with brotherly love, you are a dumbass. In my mind, screaming and charging at coyotes is an invitation to dinner. And YOU are the dinner! The coyotes are in your town looking for food and you are wearing a portable neon sign that says "I am Coyote Lunch and a Dumbass, come eat me!" Dude, coyotes will eat damn near anything, including Domesticated Dumbass. Jay, maybe you and your fellow dumbasses in Greenwood Village ought to another approach to this situation. Hell, I don't know, try something like maybe keep your pets inside after dark! Here's another idea for you, free of charge because that's how I roll, Don't leave pet food OUTSIDE!  You might also try keeping your damned garbage in the garage until Trash Pickup Day! Jay, I realize that these may be novel ideas to a dumbass like you, but I think if you follow these simple steps, and a few more, your coyote problem will eventually go bye bye like your common sense has. Until then, Jay old buddy, let the guy with the gun kill all aggressive coyotes dead. I can guarantee you that a dead coyote will never bother you again and will not ever procreate again. If all the methods of coyote adios-ing I mentioned don't work, call Warner Brothers in Hollywood. I hear they have a roadrunner that is hell on coyotes.

Maine Minutiae : Maine Lobstahs Invaded By Impostahs!

Non-Communist All American Lobster and His Wife

The people of Maine take their lobstahs very seriously. Lobsters to Maine are like the Dallas Cowboys to Texas. These delectable creatures are as much a part of Maine's culture as chowdah, blueberries or  lighthouses.
So, you can imagine the outrage when we discovered that our best-known commodity is being infiltrated by "impostor" lobsters from a communist country, Canada, hell-bent on destroying and brainwashing our Maine lobsters into becoming foreign commie lobsters! Thank God our Governor, John Baldacci, (Dem-I Don't Have a Clue Ville) is on top of this Crustacean Crisis! The Guv has endorsed a program that will immunize Maine lobsters from their Canadian cousins' attempts at this obvious subterfuge. This program is called...wait....for....it...."Don't Buy Impostor Lobsters"! Just how does the Top Elected Official in this fine state propose that we don't buy impostor lobsters from Communist Canada? Passports for lobsters? Lobster Green Cards? (Deport illegal lobsters now! No amnesty for illegal lobsters!). If you said either of options, you were actually pretty damn close to the right answer. Thanks to Governor Baldacci, every lobster caught in Maine waters will be tagged with an ID "bracelet" that says "Certified Maine Lobster"! According to some lady named Kristen, and I implicitly trust any lady named Kristen because my trustworthy pharmacist is named Kristen, says to the Boston Globe, "We hope every lobster caught in Maine waters will soon be wearing these new ID bracelets," the council's executive director, Kristen Millar, told the Boston Globe. "It's truth in advertising. All lobsters are called 'Maine lobsters' and yet they're not all from Maine. It has become this generic term, like Kleenex." That settles that! I'll rest assured that not one single solitary Communist Canadian Lobster will makes its way onto my supper table thanks to the Certified Maine Lobster Program! I can't think of a better way to spend my tax dollars than to make sure that a Canuckistani lobster wearing a tiny Canuckistani lobster suicide vest will ever touch these lips, just like Kristen the lady who is not my trustworthy pharmacist said. As for John Baldacci, endorsing the Certified Maine Lobster program was a brilliant way to ensure his re-election, except he's term-limited out. This program will be Baldacci's legacy. I'm sad to report that thanks to God and the Maine Constitution, he's outta here in January.  On the bright side, however, President Odumbass can now grant amnesty to those vicious Canadian Suicide Lobsters who will now do the jobs that American lobsters won't do. I feel better already.

Texas Tidbits : A Heartwarming Story

Dumbass*

It's a Blue Monday and to time leave behind a great weekend of football for the trudgery of work. I feel for you, so I thought it would be a good time to bring you some news that will undoubtedly brighten your day. Better still, if you get down in the mouth or bored at the job, you can always return to this page, read this story once (or twice) more and, like magic, you will be uplifted all over again! Let's shake off those Monday blues with this item guaranteed to bring a smile to your otherwise I-look-like-I-just-found-out-that-my-wife-threw-away-a-winning-SuperLotto-ticket-worth-$60-million face. Onward and upward we go. :

• Our inspirational tale comes to us from Waco. For those of you who are not familiar with Waco, it is a very conservative town. Waco is home to Baylor University, the oldest university in Texas, and Baylor is a Baptist college, i.e., Waco is a very conservative city. Knowing this is true, to me at least, means that if you ever have to go through the criminal justice system, chances are that the jury of your peers hearing your case would be made up of very conservative (read: law and order types) people. To not realize this fact, you would have to be a dumbass. Leon Willis Wilkerson, 55, is a dumbass of the highest order. I mean this guy was beat with the Dumbass Stick. A lot. Here's why : Leon has been through courts in McClennan County before - to the tune of twelve(!) misdemeanors and eight felonies! But, wait! There's more! Our new friend Leon is a smoker. He was jonesing for a butt so bad, he stole a carton of cigarettes from a local store in Waco and got busted. This time, Leon's journey through the legal system ended quite badly for him. Ol' Leon ran into a jury of nice, conservative Baptists and those 12 people were nice enough to slap Mr. Wilkerson with 99 years in prison! For a carton of smokes! How dare they! Oh, wait. There were those eight other pesky felonies and twelve misdemeanors Leon had racked up. Being the nice, conservative Baptist people that they are, they determined Leon to be a habitual criminal - hence 99 years in the slammer. That's 9.9 years per pack of Newports there, Leon.  I have a sneaky feeling that Leon will be smoking in prison, but it won't be Newports, if you know what I mean and I think you do. Dumbass.

This little anecdote should be your inspiration to have a great Monday. Your boss may suck, you may be extremely tired or you could be suffering from allergies or something, but things could be worse. You could be Leon. And Leon is a dumbass.

*From KDFW-TV, Dallas