Texas Tidbits: One Big Ass Rock

You know when you're on a road trip and on the way to your destination, you see an interesting road sign or billboard that says something like : "Visit Podunk, Home of Podunkin Donuts"? I have seen a million of those signs and have always said, "Next time I come through here, I am gonna visit Podunk and have me some Podunkin Donuts". Inevitably, you go past the same sign months later and vow to visit Podunk for some Podunkin Donuts. But you never do. Then 35 years down the road, you still haven't visited Podunk for some Podunkin Donuts, but by now you are over 2000 miles away in a foreign land - like Maine. The next best thing to do at this point is to remind those who are near enough to Podunk, to visit Podunk and try some Podunkin Donuts. That is my task today. Except it isn't exactly Podunk I am talking about, it's Enchanted Rock State Natural Area. If you substitute "Enchanted Rock State Natural Area" for "Podunk" above, you'll see what I'm talking about here. I have passed signs that extol the virtues of ERSNA a gazillion times and have never followed them. I am a dumbass - a dumbass that sits over 2000 miles from Enchanted Rock, with little prospect of seeing it soon. Enchanted Rock is located near Fredericksburg in the Hill Country. ER is an outcrop of pink granite that sits in the center of a never-erupted volcano and rises 425 above the surrounding terrain and covers about 640 acres. That's a B.F.R. (big frakkin rock)! In the photo above, Enchanted Rock doesn't look that big , but look at this picture and you'll see the enormity of this magnificent monadnock. The Comanche, Apache and Tonkawa tribes that once inhabited the area around the rock believed it possessed mystical and magical powers. Today, Enchanted Rock State Natural Area is a mecca for rock climbers and hikers from all over the place. Take a peek at this page of short videos to learn and see more of ERSNA. I could kick myself in the butt for not stopping at least once to absorb the majesty that the Indians of hundreds of years ago saw in Enchanted Rock. The next time you are headed down I-35 and see the sign that invites you to visit Enchanted Rock State Natural Area, do it! Don't pass it by or you could end up a never-have-seen-Enchanted-Rock dumbass like me.Or you could end up in Podunk and Podunkin Donuts will be closed. Damn the bad luck.

Plus One:Trojan Condoms Are Here to Help You Choose a College for Your Kid. Seriously.

No.1 Condom for "Enlightened" Universities

Howdy, y'all! I am still having a very rough time with my friend Arthur Itis and his cousin, Fibro Myaglia, so I am re-running this post from January, 2011. Thank you all for your overwhelming support while I have been under the weather. You are the best! 

There is a sure-fire new criterium for choosing a college for your kids. Once I tell you about this amazing school-choosing tool, you'll quickly dismiss things such as graduation rates and curriculum as old fashioned and unnecessary. And to think, this new factor in determining an institution of higher learning for your kid (and your hard-earned money) has been right in front of you (pun intended, you'll see why in a second) The answer to this age old question is condoms! See? I told you the answer was right in front of you. But I digress. Those dumbass bastions of virtue at Trojan Condoms have, at great expense (and free samples, I'm sure), done a study that, with great fanfare, has ranked the thirteen colleges in the United States that are the most "sexually healthy" in the whole damn country! Now that's a study we can all get behind! Another pun! I am on a roll! I ain't makin' this stuff up. Here's a short paragraph directly from the article on parentdish.com: "Trojan. The condom giant just released its fifth annual Sexual Health Report Card, which looked at 141 colleges and ranked them according to the quality and accessibility of their sexual health resources. The report zeroes in on 12 categories ranging from contraceptive availability and STD testing to sexual assault programs, according to a news release. Each school was given a "GPA" based on its average in the areas, with 4.0, naturally, being the highest possible rating." I know I feel much better now that Trojan is on the ball.

I am going to present the rankings exactly as they appear in the Parent Dish article.You might need a stiff drink (another pun! hahahahaha) after reading this, so prepare yourself. I hate to copy and paste too much, but if I didn't, you'd think I was drunk or something. Here's what I mean: "Columbia University in New York City topped the honor roll with a 3.70, distinguishing itself with Go Ask Alice, a comprehensive website that allows students to submit questions anonymously. Current topics span the health scope: "Keeping the flow with a condom," "Numbing lube safety for anal sex" and "Quick and healthy bag lunches."

Michigan State was ranked second with a 3.61, followed by Ohio State University. Also making the honor roll: University of Michigan, 3.55; Brown University, 3.50; University of Iowa, 3.49; University of Oregon, 3.44; Princeton University, 3.41; Rutgers, 3,38; University of Minnesota, 3.37; Western Michigan University, 3.28; Cornell, 3.22; and Yale, 3.17." See? You would have thought I was hammered! I guess that all the fine Universities of the South must be sexually unhealthy. There's not one in the Top 13! Dumbass Rednecks! I am telling you people of the South to get busy with the cousin' humpin' You are losing out to a bunch of Yankees for Pete's sake! Oh, wait. Could it be that many colleges in the South are more conservative than their more "enlightened" (read : liberal) Northern brethren and sex before marriage is not something to be condoned? I mean, many places pass out free hypodermic needles to drug users and miraculously all intravenous drug use and the spread of aids have stopped! Oh, that's right they haven't. What a dumbass I am. I must admit that I am , by virtue of this study, more well-prepared to have a frank talk with my daughters about condom usage and "keeping the flow" as well as the use of 'numbing lube safety for anal sex". Abstinence, schmabstinence. Who needs to wait to be married to have sex? Use a condom and some ass-numbing lube and be sexually liberated! Excuse me while I go puke. Dumbasses.

Texas Tidbits: Cops Caught Dunkin More Than Donuts

Happy First Full Day of Spring! It's garden time! Yay! The post you are about to read was originally posted on September 7, 2010. It's funny as hell and deserves to be posted again, especially for readers who have been with us for only a little while. It's also worth a re-read, so jump right in!

Happy Labor Day Weekend, 2010, y'all! Since it is a holiday weekend, and all of you will be in the mood for fun, froth and frivolity, not earth-shattering news about stuff like Mexican Food and Bar B Que or the story of a guy who finds a missile launcher in his garden (!), you want some lighter fare that fits the occasion. Ask and ye shall receive. The torrid typing of the Texas Tidbits Teletype produces these gems (or BS, depending on your point of view) :

Nice Donuts You've Got There

• Midland - The Sheriff's Department of Midland County sounds like a great place to work. The "perks" are really cool...til you get caught. It seems that five of Midland's finest were enjoying a little fellowship and discussing pressing law enforcement issues at an establishment named "Twin Peaks". I don't don't know about you, but as a bachelor and man of the world for most of my adult life (until I met Heather), when a place of business is named "Twin Peaks", two things leap to mind. Mountains or scantily clad young women. Being that this episode took place in Midland, mountains are ruled out immediately. That leaves what's behind door number two : scanitly clad young women. Having said that, the name of a place alone is not necessarily an indication of what kind of business it is. However, and that's a big however, when the business' motto is “fun, friendly and sometimes flirty atmosphere!”, red flags (and scantily clad young women) go up like they were shot out of a thirty-aught-six. The scenario : These five cops were having a couple of beers at Twin Peaks. They befriended one of the scantily clad young women who works there and one of the Men in Blue invited the scantily clad young woman outside for a few snapshots. Nothing good could come from that. Even I have never been so inebriated as to do such a dumabass thing, plenty of other dumbass things but nothing this dumbass. Anyway, as if taking this girl outside for a few pictures isn't dumbass enough, one of the cops gives her an AK-47 AR-15! (thanks to anonymous in the comments for the correction-Toby) to pose with on his squad car! Epic.Fail. The High Sheriff of Midland County failed to see the humor in this little incident and took appropriate disciplinary action against the officers. In all this skullduggery and debauchery (and harmless law enforcement fun), there is a two word moral to the story for the gentlemen involved : Dunkin. Donuts.

There's your heart-warming human interest story for this week. Be sure to tune in next week when we'll have a blockbuster of a tale when the Midland Sheriff's Department spurns the lure of the scantily clad young women at Twin Peaks and opt for buffalo wings, beer and scantily clad young women at Hooters. You don't wanna miss it!

Plus One Special: Alan Eugene Jackson

My old buddy Arthur Itis is still visiting me today and he's got me confined to the couch or bed, so I looked back through the "Three States Plus One" archives and found a very popular post from Country Music Month last October. It's definitely worth another look, so have fun reading about and listening to....Alan Jackson!

If Alan ain't country you can kiss my....you know

 Every so often Country Music seems to lose its focus and veer toward the Pop side of things. To clarify, when I said "Country Music" in the opening sentence, I meant the dumbasses in charge of the record companies who make the decisions as to what's going to be released. At the same time, there always seems to be an artist or two who remain loyal to their country roots and play, you know, actual Country Music. Imagine that. One such artist who has done exactly that for over two decades and is still going strong answers to the name Alan Eugene Jackson.

Alan Jackson burst on to the Country Music scene with his first major release, Here In the Real World and has never looked back. As of this writing, Jackson has had over 50 singles in the Billboard Magazine charts and twenty-five of those have been Number 1's. And every damned one of those chart singles have been COUNTRY. Alan and another Country Legend, George Strait, lambasted the idiots who pour out all this Pop pablum and try to market it as Country in Murder On Music Row. Now that's what I'm talkin' about! Between Strait and Jackson, they have about 75 Number 1's and probably 100 million album sales, plus over 50 years combined as major Country stars, and the dumbasses in Nashville just don't seem to get it. Simply amazing.

The following songs are why Alan Jackson records will be played on the radio long after we leave this world. Classics, every damned one of them. Because I said so.  :)

• Here in the Real World - His first major release. A star was born.
• Wanted - One of the best Country songs ever.
• Chasin' That Neon Rainbow - I love the picture this song paints in my mind.
• Where Were You (When the World Stopped Turning) - Simply brilliant. 
• It's Five O'clock Somewhere - Cheers!
• Livin' on Love - Growin' old together. 

After listening to the songs on the list above, I realized that I need to crank up some Alan Jackson way more often. The man is incredible. His song writing is outstanding and the people who do his back up vocals are mo' betta than good. In case you couldn't tell, I really like this guy. :) For another 40 or 50 hits by Alan Jackson, here's the YouTube page for you. Listen to 'em all. You'll thank me later.

Texas Tidbits: Bob Heads to Big Bend Again

I am still in quite a bit of discomfort in my back and knees, so I am once again digging up some of my favorite posts over the last few months. My friend in San Angelo, Texas, Bob Zeller, is taking another trip to the Big Bend area of Texas. So, I wanted to re-post this article as Bob and his lovely bride of 56 years, Ann, get packed up and ready to hit the road again. I can assure you that Bob will return with a great story of his trip as well as some outstanding photos of this incredible part of Texas. In the meantime, enjoy this great account of Bob's last trip to Big Bend and the stunning photos he took while there.

This post originally appeared on "Three States Plus One" on November 6, 2010

Photo from Bob's Big Bend Adventure**

Texas is about 267,000 square miles of Bad Ass. I have traveled about four-fifths of those 267,000 square miles. The one-fifth of Texas I haven't seen is the area in and around the Big Bend. Good Lord willin' and the creek don't rise, I'll make that trip with wife and little girls next summer. However, a good friend of mine, Bob Zeller at Texas Tweeties recently took a trip to the Big Bend with his lovely wife, Ann. I like Bob and all, but I gotta tell you, he married up.Way up. :) Now where was I? Bob...trip...Ann....oh,yeah, so Bob and Ann take this trip to the Big Bend. Bob wrote a bit of commentary about the trip and he took loads of photos that illustrate the rugged, unspoiled beauty of this part of Texas and serialized it on his blog. So far, there are five installments of Bob' writings and photos, with each one more breathtaking than the last. If you've never been to this part of Texas or if you've been a hundred times, you are sure to find something new in Bob's posts. Give 'em a read and let your imagination run wild with thoughts of cowboys and the Indians that roamed these mountains and prairies that are still just as wild and untamed as they were hundreds of years ago.

Here are the keys to Bob's Place:

• Bob's Big Bend Adventure, Part 1 - The Dangers
• Bob's Big Bend Adventure, Part 2-The FunThings
• Bob's Big Bend Adventure - Part 3 - Pinto Canyon
• Bob's Big Bend Adventure - Part 4 - El Camino del Rio
• Bob's Big Bend Adventure - Part 5 - Places to Stay and Eat

Go forth and explore Bob's Big Adventure to the Big Bend and check out the outstanding photos. And while you're over at Bob' place, I think you'd like to think about ordering one of his Texas Tweeties 2011 calendars. Aside from the magnificent photography you'd expect from Bob, the calendars are very sturdy, not that cheap ass paper you get at your local retailer. Just to remind you, I do not receive any remunerations for hawking Bob's calendar. 1) I have one so I know of what I speak when I describe it. 2) Bob put in countless hours getting the photos in the calendar. Birds ain't like a dog, they don't come to you when you whistle. 3) Bob is my friend and having gotten to know him over the last couple months, I have great respect and admiration for him 4) He's from Michigan, yet he chooses to be a Texan. That alone is reason enough to respect the man.
5) I am all about helping a friend.

Three of My Favorite Letters - P, B and J

This post was originally published on November 12, 2010. I'm not feeling so hot today and this post just has a "feel good" component to it. What's not to like about P B and J? :)

I was goofing around looking for a subject to post about this morning and actually came across a few neat things quite by accident, so I figured what the heck, go ahead and do a story about one of them?

Small towns in East Texas always have the best local festivals anywhere. We have previously talked about the East Texas Yamboree in Gilmer and today we'll check out another local festival in rural Texas.
Our stop will be a place I visited a thousand times as a kid - Grand Saline. And, yes, the "saline" part of the name means salt. There's a huge salt deposit in the area and it is currently being mined by Morton Salt. This year the inaugural The Great American Peanut Butter Festival will be held in Grand Saline and the featured attraction will be a peanut butter and jelly sandwich being put together by area residents. This is no ordinary pb and j, however. By the time all is said and done, this sandwich will weigh more than 950 pounds! A new World Record! From the festival's website we get a little inside information on what it takes to build a 950 pound pb and j, "We expect the process to take most of the day", says sandwich builder Keith Parsons. "We'll have to wait for the dough to rise, bake the bread in a large oven and then finally we'll spread the peanut butter and jelly onto the bread with long boat oars". And what would a Peanut Butter Festival be without naming a Peanut Butter Queen? Fear not! A Peanut Butter Queen will be named! I just wander if they'll name a Jelly Queen, too?
Community events such as the Great American Peanut Butter Festival make me realize how much I miss living in East Texas. This festivals may seem to be a little silly to some folks, but not to me. I participated in literally thousands of local events like the PB & J Festival when I was a Radio Guy and I always took something home with me after being a part of the festivities. Things that stick out in my mind are: 1) How much time and effort goes into putting together an event such as this one. Countless hours are put in by people volunteering their time to do something beneficial to the community. Then there's the sigh of relief when the whole thing is over with. Once the festival is over, these same people immediately start thinking about how to make it better for next year. Now, that's dedication. 2) The sounds of children echoing throughout the town square. You can't beat that. 3) The write up in the local newspaper. Whoever reviews these hometown events has the best job in the world for a few days. First, there's the big build up to the event itself. Then the event. And finally the recap of the happenings themselves. The pride and excitement of the event are chronicled with such excitement and pride, you'd think the local baseball team just won the World Series. 4) The aftermath. The local citizenry huddle in groups at the local diner for breakfast and/or coffee on the Monday after the festival to relive their favorite memories and to brag how their child/grand child won the pb & j sandwich eating contest in his/her age group. A good time was had by all.

I think I'll salute the Great American Peanut Butter Festival by slappin' together a pb &j and sharing it with Bailey the three year old. A good time will be had by both. :)

Texas Tidbits: St. Patty's Day in Shamrock, Texas

As a former on-air Radio Guy, I can't tell you how many hundreds, probably thousands, of small town festivals I attended over those fifteen years. I was at 'em from Pampa to Galveston and Big Spring to Marshall. That covers quite a few miles. There is one, however, that I never had the good fortune to attend. - the Shamrock (TX) St. Patrick's Day Festival. I mean, what goes together more than a shamrock and St. Patty's Day?. OK, besides green beer. :)

Shamrock is a town of about 2000 hardy souls in Wheeler County in the Eastern Texas Panhandle, near the Oklahoma border. Each year, the town holds a great St. Patrick's Day Festival that brings in residents of Texas and Oklahoma for a weekend of fun that only a town named Shamrock could have.

Here's this years Schedule of Events:



2011 St. Patrick’s Day Celebration
Schedule of Events
SCHEDULE OF EVENTS
Thursday, March 17
3:30 p.m. -- 2nd Annual St. Patrick’s Invitational Track Meet at El Paso Stadium
Friday, March 18
3 p.m. -- Shamrock Alumni baseball game
4 p.m. -- Carnival opens behind Bartlett’s Hardware & Lumber
6:30 p.m. -- “Kickoff Banquet” featuring vocalist, Ashley Nicole Wheeler; Tickets $15 in advance; $20 at the door
Following the banquet -- Dance to THE RUSTY COOPER BAND at the Shamrock Country Club, $10 cover charge.  Must be 21.
Saturday, March 19
8:00 a.m. -- 5 K Fun Run, starting at Water Tower Plaza sponsored by Knights of Columbus
9:30 a.m. -- Arts and Craft Show at the Shamrock Junior High gymnasium
10 a.m. -- Donegal Beard Contest at the parade review stand, first place prize is $100
10 a.m. -- Old Settlers’ Reunion at the Shamrock Volunteer Fire Department
10 a.m. -- Roping at Shamrock Rodeo Grounds sponsored by ST Productions
10 a.m. - 3 p.m. -- St. Patrick’s Health Fair • Exclusively sponsored by Accolade Home Care @
    First Baptist Church Family Life Center
10:30 a.m. -- Parade will begin in the 800 block of North Main Street and proceed south to El Sombrero
Noon -- Carnival opens behind Bartlett’s
Noon -- Motorcycle rally at the Shamrock Area Community Center sponsored by the Shamrock Rotary Club
1 p.m. -- Antique, Classic Car, Truck and Motorcycle Show at the U-Drop Inn, judging to begin at 2 p.m.
3 p.m. -- Crowning of Miss Irish Rose at the Shamrock High School Auditorium
7 p.m. -- Shamrock Ministerial Alliance program at the First United Methodist Church Sanctuary
   7 p.m. -- Greater Faith Mission Church program at the First United Methodist Church Fellowship Hall
8-11 p.m. -- Area youth night at the First Baptist Church Family Life Center
8:30 p.m.-midnight -- Dance featuring recording star Ty Herndon; Matt Martindale Band opening. Tickets $15 in advance; $20 at the door.
Sunday, March 20
Noon -- Carnvial opens behind Bartlett’s
Noon to 4 p.m. -- Arts and Crafts show will continue at the junior high school gymnasium
1 p.m. -- Lad ‘n’ Lassie Beauty Pageant at the Shamrock High School Auditorium

That's quite a lineup with something to do for each member of your family. I love the camaraderie that functions like this St. Patty's Day gig bring to the table. And a small town like Shamrock is the perfect setting for such an event. I'd take this one over anything any big city has to offer. There's just something about country folks that makes the experience of a celebration like the Shamrock St. Patrick's Day Festival feel like you're having fun with old friends. And by the time the festival is over, you are bound to have made some friends and memories that'll last a lifetime. Good on ya, Shamrock and Happy St. Patrick's Day!