Second Chance Sunday

French Flag Flying  High*

Man, we have a nice breezy autumn-like day here in New England, so I think I'll take the day off from blogging. I will, however, put up some of the most-read posts from recent weeks, so break out your Sooper Sekrit Three States Plus One Decoder Beer Can and see if you can decipher the Sooper Top Sekrit Submit Now or Be Sent to France and Be Forced to Live Like a Sissy Boy or Hairy Woman Forever Message. Make sure you send any information you find to me only. We do not want the French to know what we are up to! Not that they'd notice or do something in retaliation if they did notice. Well. except raise their national flag - the white flag of surrender. But that's another story for another day. Let's get to this week's round up of stories that would make the Frogs tremble with fear.

• Texas Tidbits : How to grow Tomatoes, Peppers and Missiles? - This explosive story has been one of the most-read articles in the nearly three month history of this blog. It's so stupid that you just know it has to be real. It's a riot.See for yourself.
• Maine Minutiae : Open Lighthouse Day - I also had a good response to this little diddy. Open Lighthouse Day is jsut around the corner on September 18. In Maine there are dozens of lighthouses, so chances are there's one near you.
• Colorado Chronicles : Teach a Man to Fish - This post was very personal to me. In it, I tell of how God and I talk when I go fishin'. A lot of people agreed with me.

At this time, I'd like to thank all you and the Good Lord His Own Self  for any role you may have had in steering Hurricane Earl away from Maine. It was the "perfect storm" of circumstances. Earl ended up making the right hand turn I was praying like hell hoping he would. We ended up getting a couple of inches of rain and in Eastport, where my Mother in Law lives, they got rain and bad ass winds which inflicted no major damage in the area. I am happy about that. I am plain old ecstatic that she did not have to evacuate and come stay with us. Just another example of the Power of Prayer. And damn good luck. I'd rather be lucky than good any day, any where and any time. :)

*Photo from wired.com

Maine Minutiae : House For Sale: 3BR, 2BA, 1 Bomb....Whaaaaaaaaaa?

Your House Is Da Bomb!*

The process of buying a new home can be quite stressful in good times, but when the economy sucks like it does today (how's that hope and change workin' out for ya?), things can be downright explosive, literally...almost. There is a nice family in Millinocket, Maine, who like millions of Americans, were looking to fulfill their very own American Dream by purchasing a new house. Fate smiled upon this nice family from Millinocket and they found the house of their dreams and lo and behold, without a government handout(!), Nice Family bought the house. What a happy ending! Not. The home in question had been vacant for several years as the previous owner, the former Police Chief of Millinocket, went on to his reward. So, the big day came and Nice Family was all set to move in to their shiny, new home and upon arrival what did they find in their shiny new home? A shiny new BOMB! .Two questions come to the fore concerning Nice Family's shiny new bomb. The obvious question is 'Why in the hell would a Chief of Police have a shiny new bomb in his home"? My buddy in Texas, Tim Freestone sells shiny new homes for a living, but even Tim, clever prankster and rascal that he is, would never sell Nice Family a home with a bomb in it. Hand grenades, maybe, but bombs, never. Even for Tim, that's a bit of overkill. Question numero two-o: "Who is responsible for putting this guy in as Chief of Police? Maxwell Smart"? People at Millinocket City Hall are running the paper shredder into the ground as we speak so nobody will ever know. The story does, however, have a happy ending. The fuzz police in Millinocket summoned up the Maine State Police Prankster Division Bomb Squad, who took possession of the shiny new bomb and determined that it was a fake, despite the fact that it had several realistic-looking sticks of TNT attached to it. Those Bomb Squad guys have a big set of brass gazebos, don't they? Thanks to the heroic efforts of the authorities, Nice Family has settled into their shiny bomb-less shiny new home, well...nicely. I hear the Fire Chief of Millinocket is a real gasser. I wonder what he'll leave behind when he, God forbid, keels over? The gun turret from the USS Nimitz?

*Photo from impactlab.com

Texas Tidbits : All the News That Isn't Fit to Print, But I'll Print It Anyway

To Protect and Serve...Beer*

Happy Labor Day Weekend, 2010, y'all! Since it is a holiday weekend, and all of you will be in the mood for fun, froth and frivolity, not earth-shattering news about stuff like Mexican Food and Bar B Que or the story of a guy who finds a missile launcher in his garden (!), you want some lighter fare that fits the occasion. Ask and ye shall receive. The torrid typing of the Texas Tidbits Teletype produces these gems (or BS, depending on your point of view) :

• Midland - The Sheriff's Department of Midland County sounds like a great place to work. The "perks" are really cool...til you get caught. It seems that five of Midland's finest were enjoying a little fellowship and discussing pressing law enforcement issues at an establishment named "Twin Peaks". I don't don't know about you, but as a bachelor and man of the world for most of my adult life (until I met Heather), when a place of business is named "Twin Peaks", two things leap to mind. Mountains or scantily clad young women. Being that this episode took place in Midland, mountains are ruled out immediately. That leaves what's behind door number two : scanitly clad young women. Having said that, the name of a place alone is not necessarily an indication of what kind of business it is. However, and that's a big however, when the business' motto is “fun, friendly and sometimes flirty atmosphere!”, red flags (and scantily clad young women) go up like they were shot out of a thirty-aught-six. The scenario : These five cops were having a couple of beers at Twin Peaks. They befriended one of the scantily clad young women who works there and one of the Men in Blue invited the scantily clad young woman outside for a few snapshots. Nothing good could come from that. Even I have never been so inebriated as to do such a dumabass thing, plenty of other dumbass things but nothing this dumbass. Anyway, as if taking this girl outside for a few pictures isn't dumbass enough, one of the cops gives her an AK-47 AR-15! (thanks to anonymous in the comments for the correction-Toby) to pose with on his squad car! Epic.Fail. The High Sheriff of Midland County failed to see the humor in this little incident and took appropriate disciplinary action against the officers. In all this skullduggery and debauchery (and harmless law enforcement fun), there is a two word moral to the story for the gentlemen involved : Dunkin. Donuts.

There's your heart-warming human interest story for this week. Be sure to tune in next week when we'll have a blockbuster of a tale when the Midland Sheriff's Department spurns the lure of the scantily clad young women at Twin Peaks and opt for buffalo wings, beer and scantily clad young women at Hooters. You don't wanna miss it!

*Photo from cbsnews.com

Maine Minutiae : My Wife Is Beating Me

Where's Mine?

No, ya goofball, not like that. Heather is beating me at my own game - blogging. How in the name of all that is Holy can this be happening? Just minutes ago, as Bailey the Number 2 Daughter walked with me to the mailbox, we were learning all the numbers on the apartment doors, 1-16. So far, so good. I retrieved the mail and we walked back to our place, enjoying a sunny late summer day in Maine. then the roof caved in on me - a devastating blow to my male ego from which I may never recover. I feel like the guy in Indiana Jones who played the part of the human sacrifice. Remember him? He was caged up in some contraption, hoisted above what looked like the crater of an active volcano. Hundreds of people in this big ass cave were chanting in unison something like "ya mama's a white one". Then the head voodoo doctor guy, who was painted up like some truck stop Trixie, goes over to the caged up guy, who's also saying "ya mama's a white one", and rips caged up guy's STILL BEATING HEART RIGHT OUT OF HIS CHEST! I feel like caged up guy. My still beating heart has been ripped from my chest, but I have the added luxury of having mine STOMPED on - by a Yankee Woman no less! Other than that, my day has been lovely. What is causing this almost unbearable trauma? Heather got a notice in the mail today that she is getting a check from Google for the money she made on her blog! OUCH! That's gonna leave a mark. Why haven't I gotten a payment from Google? It's not fair! I am gonna hold my breath until I turn blue! (Insert large inhaling sound)
On the real side : I am very proud of Heather for her accomplishment. She's put a lot of time and effort into her blog and the results speak for themselves. Writing the blog is the easy part. She puts countless hours into cooking the meals she writes about. On top of that, there's the planning, the prepping of the stuff to make a certain meal, the cleaning up afterwards (although I try to help her out as much as possible), etc. Add to that the exercising she does to maintain her new healthy lifestyle, and she's one busy woman. Hell, the steadfast dedication she has shown in sticking to such a demanding lifestyle, in and of itself, is nothing short of amazing - like her. If that's not enough, she also has the toughest job in the world - being a mother to our two kids. Heather also has the second toughest job in the world to deal with - being married to me. That alone is worth a Congressional Medal of Honor. Just ask her. :) I wanted to share this with you because my wife is an inspiration, not only to me and the girls, but to everyone who wants to make a change in their lives, any kind of change. You folks can look to Heather as a role model, if for no other reasons than her rock-solid commitment to her goals and the single minded determination she shows in achieving them. I love you, Heather. I am proud and honored to be your husband. You are one hell of a woman.

Texas Tidbits : Hungry in Maine for Texas Vittles

Numero Uno BBQ

Yesterday's post on Texas Tidbits left me a bit nostalgic for The Lone Star State. I figured that since moving back to Texas ain't gonna happen anytime soon, I got to thinking about a solution to this dilemma. I found one. If I can't go to Texas, I'll bring part of Texas to Maine! Off the top of my head, I came up with a short list of things back home that I'd like to bring to The Pine Tree State.

• Mexican Food made by real Mexicans - I have eaten Mexican food all over the country. None of it is as good as Tex-Mex. End of story. There are many Mexican eateries around the USA that have great food, but none compare, according to my taste buds, to La Cocina Mexicana in Tyler. Probably the best Mexican food I have ever eaten. La Cocina, Spanish for kitchen, has the usual array of menu items you'll find at most Mexican Restarants. But even their "ordinary" stuff is better than most others' best stuff. For instance, beef tacos made with steak instead of hamburger. Slap me down and call me shorty, those tacos are flat good. One item on the menu at La Cocina Mexicana that stands out, even amongst all the authentic and outstanding cuisine, is the cactus tacos. Si, cactus tacos. With fresh cantaloupe juice for your drink. If you are a fence-sitter on the subject of God, one dose of these cactus tacos and all doubt will be forever removed from your mind. These things are inspired by the Almighty His Own Self. I almost forgot! When you first enter the place there is a pastry case with fresh homemade Mexican desserts, pan dulce (sweet bread), and other pastries that are mama-slappin' good. Even if you are just passing by La Cocina Mexicana, stop by just to open the front door and get a whiff olfactory awesomness. La Cocina Mexicana is located on Gentry Parkway in the barrio in northeast (?) Tyler, just north of downtown. Friendly advice : go hungry, very hungry.
• Bar B Que - Not much for Bar B Que up here. I 'd import any roadside BBQ stand in Texas to Maine. I have eaten at this sort of BBQ stand all over Texas and they never disappoint me. Even the bad stuff is good. The one BBQ restaurant in Texas that I'd relocate to Maine is Sammie's Bar B Que in Fort Worth. This place is/was (I don't know if they are still open for business). Sammie's had been in business for many years when I was a kid and if they are still open, I wouldn't be one bit surprised. This joint reeked of Texas Bar B Que. A section of picnic tables lined up side by side, some regular restaurant tables, sawdust on the floor, baskets of peanuts on every table, a jukebox, beer, a Budweiser clock with a waterfall and the Clydesdales in it (!) and of course there's the food. Brisket so sweet and tender, ribs cooked to perfection, red beans, cole slaw, onion rings, french fries the size of small baseball bats...hungry yet? UPDATE! : Sammie's is still open! I found their website also! Get a drool napkin and click here to slobber like a teething baby. You're welcome.

This is one of those posts that I could easily turn into a novel, so I'll pick up on this subject another time. Anyway, La Cocina Mexicana and Sammie's Bar B Que, a little taste of Texas that I can taste just thinkin' about it. And believe me, I am thinkin' about it real hard right now. Somebody please pass the rib plate!

Maine Minutiae : Earl Takes a Turn...I Hope

Take a right, Earl!

(Augusta,ME) On August 31, I mentioned that Hurricane Earl is headed for Maine, but I wasn't quite sure how bad things would get, or if things would indeed get bad at all. The latest (as of 2PM, EDT) projected path for ol' Earl, from WeatherUnderground looks like this. While the current  threat level assessment predictions  from The Weather Channel gives us a little more insight as to what's shakin'. (Hurricane...shakin'...damn, I'm funny pitiful) As you can see, the probability of Earl hitting the coast of Maine is a little iffy, but still very real. From where I sit typing this post it's about 45(?) miles as the crow flies to the coast, where Earl could strike. In that case, we'd be in for some very unpleasant weather here as well. As it looks for now, the storm will likely hit either/or New Brunswick or Nova Scotia. If that's the case, I'll be in a bit of a quandry. Assuming this scenario, Earl will blast the town of Eastport pretty good. "Now, Toby," you ask yourself, "where's the quandry?" Thank you for asking. The quandry : my wife is from Eastport, therefore the hurricane would bring a lot of property damage to the town along with all the other stuff that storms like Earl bring - power outages, flooding, etc. "Still, no quandry, Tobe", you insist. Well, let me finish my thought, counterclockwise breath. My Mother-in-Law lives in Eastport! If Earl blasts Eastport, THIS will be coming to stay at MY house for a few days. I'd rather sit through a direct hit from Katrina than have that happen. But, since she's my wife's mother and my wife can beat me up, the old battle axe poor dear will stay with us for a few days, if Earl threatens Eastport. I will give each and every one of you 10 bucks* to say a prayer that Earl takes a hard right hand turn by Friday night. Providing that these pleas to the Almighty work and Earl takes a hard right, he'll drift aimlessly out over the North Atlantic and die a slow, miserable, cold Hurricane Death, as it should be. But the real beneficiaries of this Divine Intervention (time is of the essence, there, Lord!) will be the people of Maine (namely me), New Brunswick and Nova Scotia! A perfect ending! Is that really too much to ask of my friends? I thank you all in advance, especially the Lord, for doing your humble servant a deranged, middle-aged white guy a solid.

*Not really, but thanks for the prayers :)

Texas Tidbits : Remember When....

I got an email from my Mom a few days ago that was like a walk down memory lane to a world a million miles away. Thing is, it was right here on our Big Blue Marble not so long ago. Maybe thirty-five years. There's a passel of memories on this email, so I'll highlight a few today and save the others for a rainy day, or possibly even a mini-series of posts. We'll see. Be sure to take detailed notes, we'll have a pop quiz on this material later. :)

Remember when...

• Gasoline was real cheap? When I first started legally driving, my Dad had a brand new 1971 Monte Carlo. AM/FM 8-Track, 4 speakers, and cruise control! It was a great car. The chicks loved it. Anyway, this Monte Carlo had a 16 gallon gas tank on it and I remember stopping at Wakefield's on Shady Grove and Rodgers to fill it up. The damage? FOUR DOLLARS! I don't stutter and your ears don't flap, I said FOUR DOLLARS to fill up that sled. Four bucks today won't even get you a double bean sprout tofu wheat germ oil frappaccino (however the hell you spell it) at that national sissy coffee place. But, four dollars will get you a 6 pack of cheap ass beer. So, I guess there is some justice in the world.
• It was a treat to go out to eat with your family? We were pretty lucky here. My Dad had a good job, so we actually went out to eat fairly often. It wasn't always Sunday after Mass going out to eat either, even though we did that regularly, mostly at Luby's or some Cafeteria like that. I was always extra hungry for Luby's. Our usual out-to-eat experience was some place like Joe's Coffee Shop on 6th Street in Irving. Joe's was a cafe that had home cooked food every day. Chicken Fried Steak was always my favorite. The roast beef was damn good, too. The best thing about Joe's? Breakfast. Enough said. For those who don't know about Joe's, think about the diner on the early Andy Griffith Show. That's Joe's.
• Kids played baseball and no grown ups were needed to enforce the rules? My buddy James Ott will remember this one. James and I lived in the same apartment complex for a while when I was in Junior High School. We had a big vacant lot next door that served as a baseball diamond and football field, depending on the season. Heck, I remember times when we had two, two man teams and would play baseball for hours. No adults required. One other time, I lived on a dead end street with a big field at the end of it. All the kids, ages 9-12 or so, got together mowed the empty field into our version of Yankee Stadium, formed a league with all the other neighborhood kids, played a pre-arranged schedule and never, not one single, solitary time did we ever need an adult to do anything for us. We policed our own.

There's plenty more I could blab on about, but like I mentioned, I'll do this type thing again soon - perhaps tomorrow. Who knows? Now, if you'll excuse me, school got out early today due to the heat here in Maine, and I gotta go pitch for both teams of neighborhood kids. No adults required. Just us kids.